Summer's Come Again
by SailorPlanetMars
Summary: Swim season's come back, and Rin's managed to get himself a transfer to Iwatobi. But, his appearance makes some pretty major waves when old feelings are stirred up, new feelings are born, and shipping gets way out of hand.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: I've taken a few liberties with how the universe (both the Free! one and the real one) work for set-up purposes, but bear with me here, please. And hold your horses on any opinions of the pairings. There's lots of character development in the works! Despite appearances, I don't want to start a flame war, so please, wait until about chapter four before attack pairings. Things change. Fast. Please enjoy, and review! (I need all the help I can get!)

Summer's come again. So what does that mean for us? Well, it means more training. More competitions. More time to swim. More fun times together. And, for me, it means one thing more than anything else. More muscles. More triceps, more abs, more pecs, more deltoids, the lot. People thought I was weird for joining a swim club, being the only girl and all. But that makes it all the more fun. I don't have to share my view with anyone else.

You might have noticed I have a bit of thing for muscles. Well, there's nothing quite like a well-cut guy. What kind of self-respecting second-year high school girl doesn't love a guy with a six pack and arms to spare? But… that doesn't mean that a guy has to have muscles to be attractive. I guess. There's this guy I like… and, well, he's not exactly un-muscular, but for a swimmer, one could expect better. But, somehow, when the four of them swim together, he's the most fun to watch. Rei-kun is the most muscular, but his non-stop theory babble makes my head hurt, and it makes him swim a little weird. Makoto-senpai is the most thickset. His shoulders are the broadest, he's the tallest and probably the most welcoming personality of the four. And his back… dear God, sexy doesn't begin to describe it. Haruka-senpai swims the most gracefully, and is the most… shapely, I guess. I don't know if that's good word to describe a guy. But even though Rei-kun and Makoto-senpai have bigger muscles, there's something about the way Haruka-senpai's shoulders taper into his stomach and then his stomach into his hips that makes him really sweet eye candy. But even then…

Even though he's the least muscular of them, even though he's the shortest, even though he'd never listen when I asked him to call me Kou, even though his hair is frustratingly blonde for a guy, even though sometimes I think he's a two-year-old hiding in a sixteen-come-seventeen-year-old's body, I just can't stop looking at Nagisa-kun.

* * *

Summer has come again. That is to say, the Earth has rotated through the 360-degree circle that decides what season falls when. And now that Japan is facing the sun again, the Iwatobi swim club can finally return to the training pool. Too soon will not be soon enough. I've been studying the theory, and practicing my form in the air. In fact, the other night, I woke up in the middle of night because I had accidentally swum myself off my bed. It's been too long since the four of us were in a pool together.

Nagisa-kun and his bubbly breaststroke, reaching out just that little bit further to try and get to the line first. It's been a while since I've seen it. Makoto-senpai's strong, if uneven, backstroke, dynamic, leaving behind the competition like they weren't even in the pool. I've always found it somewhat odd that it was so effective, even though it was so irregular. And Haruka-senpai's impossibly beautiful freestyle. There is no more to be said. The way he moves through the water is aesthetic perfection. I'm glad that I've been able to swim the three of them. It's been a blessing, and even though I was a beginner, they slowly coached me until I was the best I could be. And I was no easy student, that much is beyond question. But even then, there's one thing I'm looking forward to most.

Even though she never gets in the pool, even though she's not a swimmer, even though her hair is uncomfortably red, even though she is not theoretically beautiful, I'm looking forward to spending time with Gou-san again.

* * *

Summer's back! Hmm… it's been such a long time, hasn't it? I wonder if the others have been working harder than me at keeping in shape? I haven't been slacking! It's just, during winter, it's so cold, and I can't build up the motivation to do anything by myself. So I still went for runs with them at club meetings and stuff, but not much more. I wonder how they're doing?

Well, it wouldn't matter to Haru-chan. He'd swim in a blizzard, so even though he mightn't be in exactly top shape, he certainly is not going to be out of practice. Mako-chan… well, he's been running around after Haru-chan this whole time, trying to keep him in check, I'll bet. Those two should totally be a couple. In retrospect, I kind of regret taking the tent with Haru-chan on training camp last year. It would have been really interesting to see where it went. And, what's more, I would have been with Rei-chan. He's a character, all right. If any of us will be in top form, it's him. He's been studying theory, he's been practising his stroke, he's been running the last leg of the journey to school every day. I can hear him saying it now. But even then…

Even though he's a little odd, even though sometimes I wish he'd shut up about theory and just do it, even though he's really strict, even though he's a bit of a nerd, the thing I'm most excited about is seeing Rei-chan's butterfly.

* * *

Well, I guess summer's back, isn't it? Finally time to actually start swimming again. It's a real shame that this is going to the last year for Haru and I. We only just got started again, too. Oh, well, there's life after school, isn't there? We'll keep swimming together, I think. And then one more year and Nagisa and Rei will there to join us. It'll be just like old times.

Oh, listen to me. I'm saying old times like they're already over, aren't I? Well, we have to make the best of what we have. I won't think about after school until school finishes. I've still got this time, and I intend to use every second of it for as much as I can. This time with Rei and his theories and whack taste in swimsuits. I still don't know where he found the giant butterfly-wing-thing he tried on. Or, for that matter, how it stayed on. But, the past is past. Now is now, the now with Nagisa. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that kid. He'll get himself into trouble one day with the way he goes on. But, now I'm thinking about the future again, aren't I? I've still got now with Haru. But even then…

Even though I know we'll still be together after school, even though we've been together since we were kids, even though hardly anything's changed in a full however-long-it's-been since we've known each other, and even though I know we'll stay together for another however-long, I don't want this time with Haru to end.

* * *

Summer's back. Finally. I can finally go swimming in the ocean, in the outdoor pool, wherever I like, and Makoto won't be there like he's my wife telling me I'll get sick. Well, I don't mind it. He's always been like that. And he will be for some time to come, I think. It's a bit soon to be third-years, for me anyway. I feel like I started high school yesterday, all of a sudden. And I only got to be in the swim club for two years. After so long, only two years.

I can always swim after school. And I know Makoto will swim with me, because he sticks to me like glue. And Nagisa and Rei will tag along after they finish school, or I hope so, anyway. It means a lot more to me when I'm with them. But it means the most when I'm with him.

Even though he's from a different school, even though he competes for another team, even though he can be a downright bastard sometimes, even though he upped and left with no warning when we were kids, I want to swim a relay with Rin.

* * *

Summer's here, huh? Great… it took its sweet time. I don't know how I managed to swangle it, but someone at Samezuka must have wanted me out, because when I asked to transfer to Iwatobi, I was out the door faster than they could open it. Well, I guess that little stunt with the relay last year didn't hurt. Some might say I'm stupid, and I probably am. It's third year, after all. A lot rides on it. But I know for a fact I couldn't concentrate on my studies with a gun on my head unless I did this. A chance to swim with those guys again…

Haru and his stupid little "I only swim free" rant. He still says like we don't get it yet. It's only been what, ten years? Twelve? There's only so many times you can hear the same thing before you stop wanting to know about it. Makoto and his little happy-families thing. I swear he thinks he's both of Haru's parents, and probably Nagisa's too. But when you've got somebody as childish as that little blonde kid is, he needs a parent everywhere he goes. My little sister's there, too. It'll be good to speak to her a little more. We grew apart when I went to Australia and never really got over it. But I want to make sure I've cleaned up all the loose strings before school's over. And speaking of loose strings, there's one person I owe a special favour.

Even though he can't swim butterfly, even though he's just a beginner, even though he'll never make to the Olympics, even though sometimes he does the most pointless things, I will never be able to thank Ryuugazaki Rei enough.

* * *

More Author's Note: My apologies to those who attempted to read the travesty that this chapter originally was. My internet had a hissy fit over the formatting I use in Word to write this, and I was too air-headed to notice. I shall pay closer attention from now on! Thank you for your time! (Sorry if it wasn't worth it!)


	2. Class 3B

So, it's now my first day at Iwatobi. I don't know why I'm freaking out. This is, like, the third time I've transferred, and I went to school in Australia for Christ's sake. That's a long way away, and a foreign language to boot. But, even though I've been to the school before and know people there and all of that, this is the most nerve-racking of them all. I wonder if the swim club's meeting this afternoon. What I am doing, thinking of this afternoon? This morning's not over yet. I have to meet with the headmaster first. God, he's a dry piece of work. Does he really think I don't know how the education system works yet? I've only been in it, well, I don't know, my whole goddamn life. I perk up my ears a little when he mentions what class I'm in. 3B. Well, a transfer can't exactly expect to be put in class A straight up. I clear my throat, barely catching my manners before I speak. "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but do you know if Nanase Haruka-kun is in that class?" The guy puts on these ridiculous little half-moon glasses that make him look even more corpse-age than he already did. Fingering through a pile of paper that could be as tall as me if it tried, he found the class listing for 3B. It only took, like, half an hour. Is it really that surprising that third-year classes would be at the bottom? "You're in luck today, Matsuoka-kun. He is." He slides the glasses further down his nose as he looks at me. He's trying to be stern, I think, but it's really not working for the guy. "Any further questions?" "No, sir." I resist the urge to laugh at me being deferential to this thing. "Very well, then. Off to class with you." Bloody finally. The chair squeaks loudly and I half-walk, half-run to the door. "Wait, Matsuoka-kun. One more thing." Really? Are you doing this now? "Do you intend to join any clubs?" I laugh a little, and turn back to face the headmaster. "Damn straight I do." He seems to flinch a little as he realises my pointed teeth. They do unsettle people. "The swim club." And with that I stride coolly out of the room and off to class 3B.

* * *

Thank God our homeroom teacher didn't change for third year. Well, it doesn't make too much difference to me, but at least Makoto didn't have to the teacher I'm not a girl. Again. Seriously, is there not a thing on the roll? So we get the attendance done, and I start staring out the window. It's been too long since the four of us were together in that pool. We practically made that thing ourselves, but we didn't get to spend nearly enough time in it. And suddenly Awa-chan-sensei says something a little out of the ordinary. "I know it's a little unusual, but we've accepted a transfer student into this class. You can come in, Rin-kun." The window doesn't seem so interesting anymore. Awa-chan-sensei called him by his first name. That name was Rin. She called him –kun. So he's a guy. There can't be too many male Rins in third year, can there? And more to the point, how many would Awa-chan-sensei call by their first name? That was just too many coincidences. I hear him open the door, and I don't even have to look know it's him. The aggressive approach, the cleanness. It's just so Rin-like. And sure enough, a tall redhead follows the sound and it's unmistakably that person. My eyes widen on their own, no matter how much I try to stop them. And suddenly I'm staring daggers at Rin and trying to pretend I'm not. Well, he's staring daggers back at me, so I guess it's fine. He writes his name on the board, and I find myself wondering why Gou didn't tell us. Maybe she didn't know. "My name is Matsuoka Rin. I used to go to Samezuka Academy. I have a girly name, but I'm a guy." Wow. That speech is practiced. And identical to the one from back then. I look at Makoto and he's just a surprised as me, but seems to be dealing with it better. I look back at Rin and can't help but notice the seat in front of me is empty. A drummer beats on my heart and I find myself praying that that seat is his.

* * *

Well, I never guessed this would happen. Haru seems to have taken to it well. Or, as well as he takes to anything. If nothing else, we know we have a fifth member for the swim club. Haru stares intently at the seat in front of him like he's trying to set on fire. I don't have the heart to point out the other free chair in the other corner of the room. And Awa-chan-sensei raises her arm and makes the fateful decision. "Okay, Rin-kun. You can take this seat here." She points to the seat in the front. I'm a little surprised – she knows how close we are, and she would know there's a free seat in front of Haru. And I'm more than a little disappointed. It's been a long time since we had a class with Rin. I guess that kind of luck only happens in stories, huh? I look back at Haru, offering a sort of 'it's-okay-we-can-still-talk-to-him-at-lunch' sort of smile. And he can't see it. He can't see anything more than his knees at the minute. He's crushed. Way more than I thought he would be. And it annoys me. I can't tell why.


	3. Meanwhile, in Second Year

I was super lucky this year! Rei-chan and Gou-chan are both in my class, and we managed to find seats together. I'm even in the middle. Class is like a massive game. Well, when there's no tests. But anyway, it's a bundle of fun. Rei-chan gets really serious. It's pretty funny, actually. He stares at the board and takes it all in like some kind of brain sponge. I hope he won't notice when I steal his notebook to study for finals. We've got time yet, but I'll need help. Gou-chan's a little more receptive. Well, she was. But, these days, she seems shier than usual. Only with me. I see her talking with Rei-chan at lunchtimes and whatnot, and they're chatting on like it ain't no thing, and then I walk in, sit down, say hi, and she freezes right up like one of those wacky Greek statues. But not naked. I get the same way sometimes with Rei-chan. I feel like there are some things I shouldn't say to him. Even fairly little things. I feel like I can't ask him what his favourite flavour ice-cream is, or what he had for breakfast this morning or even if he's doing well. It's not that he wouldn't take them well. He's Rei-chan. Taking things well is what he does. It's part of his charm, I think. Well, that and his weird little beauty thing. I get where he comes from. I mean, beautiful is good. It's also undefined and subjective, and easily influenced. But, anyway, it's kinda cute. Particularly for a guy.

* * *

Science. My favourite class. We're studying physics right now, and if there is one part of my intellect I pride above others, it's mechanical calculation. The formulae are fairly elementary at this level. It's simplified for bottom-tier physicists who don't understand the mathematical theory that drives their discipline. In reality, we should be integrating the acceleration function in order to find the velocity function, and integrate that to get a displacement function, using boundary conditions in both respects to find constants. But all the acceleration is treated as constant, which is preposterous in a real-world context. Unless you have a perfect sphere, which is also ridiculous. But why on earth would anyone develop a theory that only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum? Chickens are not spherical, nor are they in a vacuum, as they would asphyxiate close to immediately. They may be more beautiful as spheres though. It's an interesting, if impossible, proposition. There is another proposition I have encountered recently, and I need some time to get my head around it. Let me list the evidence. Firstly, I deliberately allowed Nagisa-kun to sit next to me so that she could not. Secondly, I find myself looking over my pen to try and glimpse her face. And thirdly, I am thinking about this now, even though physics is empirically more interesting and more beautiful. This proposition is interesting, and while not impossible, highly improbable. But, if we study physics that only applies to spherical chickens in vacuums, perhaps I am also a sphere in a vacuum and I have used the wrong formulae. But regardless of the reason, I think I may be attracted to Gou-san.

* * *

Jesus, not physics again. I'm not really sure that anything on this earth could possibly be more boring. Well, Rei-kun doesn't seem to think so. He's getting right into it. When he's not looking over at Nagisa-kun, that is. He seems to look at him almost as often as I do. Which is weird. I thought Nagisa-kun wouldn't exactly fit his ideal of beauty, so no way is he hot for him. But still, he looks at him a lot. And he gets the better view as well. Nagisa-kun mightn't exactly be well-built for a swimmer, but he still is fairly fun to look at. Particularly on the left. I can't really tell why. I think his nose might be uneven or something, but he definitely looks better from the left. Shame I sit on his right. But even though I'm not getting a good view, I can't stop myself looking at him. There's something about the way he fuzzes over like a can of soft drink you dropped then opened that makes him inherently interesting. And his eyes. There's something about them. The shape, the colour. Mine are red, but pink is way more fun. They're wide, but not too wide, and it feels like he can see what you're thinking. Thank God he can't. I don't what him knowing what I think about him.


	4. First Contact

_After school…_

Well, that was boring. I guess I am stupid for transferring. I studied that stuff ages ago. Oh well, I guess it's good revision. But who even cares? I'm not here for that, nor does it matter to me. I'm only here for the pool. I hit up Makoto and Haru as they pack up all their things. I turn to the backstroker. "So, club captain. Is it okay if I join the swim team?"

He laughs in that odd little way he has. "I was going to ask you if you'd be okay with filling out the paperwork. It sounds a little dumb, between our history and your calibre, but we have to, I guess." He shrugs, and I notice his shoulders are as muscular as they were at the end of the season.

"You've been keeping in shape, Makoto? I'm impressed."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" I just laugh. It's been too long, really. I can't believe I'm saying something as ridiculously sappy as this, but I missed these two.

"Just what it sounds like. Now, you, Haru, I'm not so impressed. Was the pool cheating on you or something? Normally poor old Makoto needs chains and handcuffs to keep you out of the water." They both swallow conspicuously at the chain comment, and Makoto starts pulling at his collar awkwardly. These two should really buy a clue. Are they really the only two in the universe who don't see it? "Well, is the swim club meeting today?"

"Given the number of posters your sister has been painting counting up to the prefecturals, I think we're meeting every day." Haru finally opens his mouth. He's stoic as ever, but there's kind of a catch in his voice. I chalk it up the chain comment. Was it really that discomforting?

"Ah, Gou. She can be overenthusiastic. She's been that way for a long time. But, it's weird, you know. You two probably know her better than me. I haven't been at home for years."

"Ah! I never even thought about that! You've been at boarding schools since middle school, haven't you?" Makoto's nice enough, but can he ever be slow.

"So what? My family sells off my room? It's difficult to do that, you know. And if my sister can make it here each day, I shouldn't have too much trouble."

"Why are we still here?" Haru chips in in his abrasive little way. "We could be at the pool by now." He says it like normal, but for some godforsaken reason, he's looking me up and down as he does.

* * *

Rin can be so insensitive sometimes. Did he really have to go on about chains? Surely in all the time we've known each other, he would have figured out that it's not like I haven't imagined some chains from time to time. I'm not really into the whole affair, but haven't all adolescent boys had fantasies? Well, having said that, you've got to say that most of them are nothing like mine. Most don't involve swimsuits. Or rather, removal of. Most don't involve your childhood friends. And, most don't involve other guys.

* * *

Rin's even more insensitive than he was before. Did he really have to mention chains? It doesn't take a genius to guess that I've pictured chains around someone's wrists more than once. But the comment's all the more awkward when that someone is in the room. I guess everyone has fantasies, but has Rin really not guessed mine were about him?


	5. Splashdown, and a Surprise

I would guess it's been about 3 months since the swimming club last met at the pool. And a lot can change in 3 months, evidently. For one thing, I am now a second year. Another, moss had begun growing around the corners of the pool, but in a fit of foresight, Nagisa-kun rounded us up and had us clean it. For a third, a new transfer student joined the club. Well, I say new. He is new to the school, but not to the pool, nor the sport, nor the club. I can definitely say I did not predict even a remote possibility that Rin-san would transfer. I suppose that makes him Rin-senpai. I will have to adapt accordingly.

"Welcome to the Iwatobi Swim Club, Rin-senpai." No-one else seems to doing an official welcome, so I'm better than no-one. Possibly.

"You're welcoming me, Rei? In the least offensive sense possible, that's absolutely ridiculous. You're basically the replacement me for this club, you realise?" I gasp. He's so forward, or rather, offensive. Not like his sister at all.

"Well, excuse me for being good-mannered."

"I'm joking, mate. Chill." Rin-san (wait, it's Rin-senpai now) smiles and exposes his teeth. How on earth did he get them like that? Implants? Regular filing? That would hurt. And it would expose the inside of the teeth, and they would rot in fairly short order. They must be implants, or surgically modified somehow. Whatsoever for, I might never know. "Thanks."

That one word. Thanks. It's gruff, short and brash. But it's also sincere and meaningful. More meaningful than one would expect. I may done a big favour for Rin-san (-senpai) is giving up my relay place, but really, a thanks like that one seems to imply more, in theory. Particularly since, and I'm sure he realised this, I didn't give up the spot for him. I gave it up to him. There's a big difference. Haruka-senpai looked like he was also going to quit swimming. Makoto-senpai wasn't exactly happy. And Nagisa was all but crying. And when that guy's unhappy, you know things have gone seriously wrong. So either I didn't swim, or nobody did. It doesn't exactly take a theoretical genius to make that decision. And, without being conceited, I think I can be objectively called a theoretical genius. So, in theory, that thanks means more than thanks for letting me swim. Is there something I'm not noticing?

* * *

I discovered that's there's a female change room near the pool, just today. It's bizarre, actually. An entire year and I didn't even notice. But, I suppose that's the first time it's been touched in centuries. But, today, I have a little surprise planned for the boys. They must think I'm hydrophobic or something. I practically lived next to a pool for three months and never got in once. Well, that's about to change. I'm joining them for the day. Just for the day. It's not like I'm doing it to get close to them, or to show off my figure or anything. I'm not exactly built for a bikini, nor am I really built for my tight-fitting black one-piece. I'm not fat, not by a long shot. But I could be less fat. Couldn't we all? Well, not that lot. I don't think they know the meaning of fat.

A surprise for a surprise is the best description of the events that took place poolside. I came out in my black one-piece, and saw my brother there. Nagisa screamed in shock when he saw me and I screamed in shock at seeing Onii-chan. Well, I didn't really scream. I kind of gasped and made one of those really awkward faces that's best described as 'lolwut'. You know the ones. Then I went and hugged him, reflexively as much as anything else. "Hi there." My voice didn't really make it out clearly, because my face was buried in his chest. "Nice to see you." I straighten up after my little display of sibling affection. "So how long exactly have you been planning to transfer here?"

Onii-chan reaches his hand behind his head and gives a half-bred awkward laugh. "It's been on the cards for about three months. But it only got approved recently, and I only transferred today."

"And how the hell did you keep this a secret from me?"

"Well, I wanted to surprise you all. And, even if I told just you, I don't know how good you are at keeping secrets. So, I kept it totally on the down-low. Mum knows, because I kind of have to move back in with you guys. My luggage got sent home with a porter. I didn't even know Samezuka had those things. But, hell, it was convenient."

"Well, whatever. I think you're stupid. Why would you transfer here during third year? It's not like didn't know Haruka-senpai and the rest were here beforehand. Surely you could have just stuck with it for the year and met up again outside of school." I turn my back to him with an air of superiority.

"Well, some welcome from my little sister."

"Just because I think you're stupid, doesn't mean I'm not happy you're here." I twist at the hips so Onii-chan can see me smiling.

And now that I'm done 'greeting' Onii-chan, I notice Nagisa-kun is still pointing at me and shaking, like I'm some wacko demon spawn. "G-Gou-chan… you're wearing a swimsuit!"

"Very perceptive, Nagisa-kun. So are you." I couldn't resist at little dig at the guy. His vulnerability is part of his charm.

"Yeah, but I always do! Since when do you even swim?"

"Well, I've not exactly swum competitively before. But, seriously, the amount of swimming I've seen, I've got to know something. And it's not like I've never touched water. But I thought maybe just today, it'd be nice to welcome in the new season just having a little fun together."

Something's weird about Rei-kun today. Well, weirder than normal, anyway. As soon as I came out in the swimsuit, he started staring at me. And he's trying his best not to keep going, but it's not really working. I'm sure he's doing one of his little 'not beautiful at all rants' in his head. Really? Are we going there? I mightn't have the most stunning figure, but I'm sure he's seen worse. Oh, well. Whatever. Nagisa-kun seems to enjoy the view. I'm cool with that.

"Well? What we all waiting for? A formal invitation?" I said it. But it was a bit of a moot point. Haruka-senpai had been in the pool for like, ten minutes by now. "Whatever. Let's just get in." And I turn around, run a few steps and playfully dive into the pool, taking care to arch my back so that Nagisa-kun gets full view of all my assets. That's so unlike me. I hear Rei-kun muttering something. "Her entry angle was off by a full ten degrees…" He keeps going, but I shove my head back under the water so I don't hear the rest.

* * *

I can't believe Gou-chan got in the pool with us! Really, she's done up posters and been the ruler with an iron fist we needed from time to time, but I definitely didn't expect her to have this side to her. It's really sweet, actually. Who wants to go all-out training from day one? Just having some fun together is a good opening to the season. I feel like we'll be invincible this year. Rin-Rin's back, Gou-chan's opened up, or whatever you call it, and we're all that much closer.

But I'm still not as close as I would like with Rei-chan. As in, like, both meanings. I feel like there's some sort of wall between us. And he's out of it something terrible right now. I take a few strokes over to him and splash him. "Rei-chan? You in there?" I laugh loudly and take a few strokes backward, in case he decides to return the favour. But he doesn't seem to care much. He's staring off at something. I'm quite sure what, so I swim back over to him and stand next to him, and try to follow his line of sight. Haru-chan's doing laps like a madman. But Rei-chan's eyes aren't moving, so he's not looking there. Mako-chan and Rin-chan are just messing about with Gou-chan, splashing her then running (or, well, swimming I guess) away from her because they're, like, a thousand times faster. She gets frustrated and just does one of those big hit-the-water things, and makes a big splash. Not big enough to hit either of them, but big enough to let off some steam. She pulls herself up to the edge of the pool and just sits there pouting.

Actually, I have to admit, she's a fairly pretty girl. I've never really noticed. But's she's bustier than I thought, and her face is actually pretty nice. Wait, no way. I take another look at Rei-chan's line of sight, and trace it along. "No way… Rei-chan, are you ogling Gou-chan?" I say it softly enough that only he can hear me. He pulls up bullet straight out of nowhere and suddenly starts blushing.

"Not at all, Nagisa-kun! Why would you think that? She's not beautiful at all. Why would I look at her?" He seems distraught, so he pulls his goggles over his eyes and takes off on some laps of butterfly. I shake my head a little.

"You're not fooling anyone, Rei-chan." I say it to myself. I don't need anybody else to hear that. They wouldn't hear what I actually said anyway. I look over at Gou-chan. I guess we're rivals now. Well, perhaps not. It looks like she heard Rei-chan perfectly.

"I'm not beautiful at all, huh?" She turns her eyes down and her fringe hides them. Her face threatens tears, but no-one seems to notice. Haru-chan had just done a turn, so he was underwater. He mustn't have heard anything. And Rin-chan and Mako-chan are busy in some kind of mock tsunami war.

Shouldn't someone be comforting her here? Should I? We're rivals, though. Is this the kind of thing they do? Well, who cares? We're friends, too, and a she needs a smiling face right now. And my face is pretty much never not smiling. So I make my way over and pull myself out the pool and sit next to her.

"You know, Gou-chan. I think you're plenty beautiful."

She starts a little and looks up. There are a few stray tears at the edges of her eyes, but she seems happy enough. "Get out, Nagisa-kun. Like you mean that."

"I do! I really do!" I give my best 'serious about this' look. I don't know if it goes over well.

"Really?" Maybe. Maybe not.

"Yes!" A vehement nod, and a brief hug. "I don't think Rei-chan meant it either. Did you see the way he looked at you?" I do my best to stop my voice from catching on the last phrase, but it doesn't work so well.

"Thanks. It means a lot." Somehow, I get the feeling it means more than I think.

"Anytime, Gou-chan! Later!" I dive recklessly into the water, and fight my way over to where Mako-chan and Rin-chan are. "What do you think you're doing without me!?"


	6. Reflection -Why?-

Well, today was just a bundle of surprises. First Rin shows up in class. Then Gou gets in the pool and everything. I think it must be an omen of some kind. This many weird things aren't supposed to happen in one day. I mean, Ren and Ran got through all of dinner and right up to bedtime without fighting. That's a real surprise. And Rin's little comment brought on a couple of surprises of my own. I'm keeping them to myself for a while though.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to think about myself. Am I normal? Is it normal for a guy to hang around with a bunch of other guys while being virtually naked? Is it normal for you to start thinking about them a certain way after a certain while? Is it just me appreciating that Haru's beautiful, or is it more than that? I mean, I guess I've always known, somewhere, that Haru has a pretty great figure, and if he was a girl, I'd be all over him like… I don't know, something that gets all over you. But… is it okay that I still want to be all over him, even though he's not a girl? What would Mum and Dad think? What would Rin think? What would Haru think? I don't feel like I know him well enough to answer that myself anymore. I feel like I don't know myself well enough to answer all of these other questions. You see in movies and whatever that love always wins out in the end and that love is stronger than anything… but it's really not that simple, is it? Is this love that I'm feeling? Is it right? Is my love defiled in some way, because it's for another guy? Will I ever be happy with just friendship now? Now that I think about it, it's always been this way. I've had my fantasies, just like any person. And, no matter who else was in them, Haru was always there. It always made its way back to him. So, I guess I've wanted more than just friendship for a long time. But, is it worth the risk? If I tell him about all this, how do I know that things won't change between us? Is it better for me just to pretend I'm fine being just friends, so that we can always be just friends? Or should I go all or nothing? I don't know the answers. I never have, and maybe I never will. I just toss about in bed trying to find them, but, if one thing's certain, they're not here. But I need to know… is it normal to feel this way?

* * *

Today was a good day. Rin managed a transfer. I don't know how, but I don't really care. I'm glad I can see him again. But I'm a little angry. Why did Ama-chan-sensei put him up the front when there was a perfectly good seat in front of me? She's probably got some fifty-million year old quote from a corpse to back her up, but I don't really care. Especially after his quip today, I want as much of him as I can get.

Is that okay, to say that? Is it okay for me to be possessive of another guy like that? Is it okay to feel like all of him isn't enough? Aren't girls supposed to feel this way? I was trying to go to sleep, but I can't get settled with all these thoughts in my head. So I get up and go for a run. I don't know if I was trying to run away from them, but I know it didn't work. They stuck over me like a cloud. Is it okay to feel like that about another guy? Is it okay to feel like that at all? Would it have been easier if I was a girl? I still could have swum all I liked. I guess I never would have met Rin that way. But, at least, if I did meet him, it would have been okay to feel this way. Is it okay to feel this way anyway? I don't know anymore. I hate feeling like this. And for some reason, whenever I do, it's always about Rin. The first time he quit swimming in middle school. When he said he'd never swim with me again at prefecturals. When he tried to quit swimming for good at regionals last year. I get so confused, even the water doesn't seem inviting anymore. Why? Why is it all about Rin? He's not the only one I like swimming with. What about Nagisa? What about Rei? What about Gou, after her little bout this afternoon? I know I wouldn't feel that why if any of them gave up swimming. What about Makoto? We've been together for forever and a day. Would I feel that way if he left? Why do I feel this way about Rin, but not about him? Is that right? He's known me so much longer, so shouldn't I like him the best? I'd be sad if he left, but if Rin was there, I feel like I could keep going on. That's not right. I don't know what isn't right about it, but it's not right. And why Rin? He's abrasive, abusive, unreliable, dishonest, cold. Makoto is better in every conceivable way. So why? Why is it all about Rin? I need to know… is it okay to feel this way?

* * *

It's been a long time since I was last living in this room. A really long time. And I have so much stuff. I never realised how many clothes and books and whatnot I'd racked up over five years at boarding school. I racked up a few other things too. The thing about boarding schools – you wind up living in a building full of other guys. And when you're at a school for elite swimmers, some of them are fairly nice to look at. And when you spend five years there, you come to know a few things about yourself.

So that's why I'm not uncomfortable at all around Makoto and Haru. I can't exactly judge them for anything – I'm exactly the same. But that's not the point, is it? I'm not really sure, but I've always felt like I was the one on the outer. In our old relay team, Haru and Makoto were a couple, even if they didn't realise, and Nagisa was younger, so he didn't really count. So I was sort of left alone. Like, together, but alone. It's a weird feeling. And in Australia, it was the same. I was one of the only foreign students there, and the only Japanese one, and I didn't speak English that well at first. I got better as time went on, obviously. But, by the time I was speaking fluently enough, everyone had already made up their little cliques and I couldn't have made a friend no matter what. So there I was again, alone in a crowd of thousands. I don't know if any of the other students there swung that way, but I never would have gotten to know anyway. Samezuka was probably the best. If nobody else, I had Ai on my tail like a dingo. Except, dingoes are threatening. Now, I do know that he sways that way. He mightn't have said it in as many words, but it didn't exactly take a genius to tell. But now I'm back at Iwatobi. And Haru and Makoto are a couple again, and Gou's my sister, so it doesn't really count. Nagisa and Rei might be a couple as well. It's not hard to see. Shame that. I was kind of hoping Rei would feel the same way I do. It seemed that way. He couldn't really get close to the club, because apparently they were always on about me. So, I thought, if I was lucky, he'd feel like he was alone in the crowd too, and we could be alone together. I wonder if he sways that way? I hope so. He mightn't be the best swimmer, but he must have done something to get him as built as he is. And no way could he swim butterfly as a beginner if he wasn't athletic beforehand. I wonder what his theories would say about this? Would we be a good match, in his eyes? I don't see what's not to like. We've got the whole opposites attract dynamic going on. So from there, it's not too much more, is it? But what if he is with Nagisa? Where does that leave me?

* * *

Ah, what a day! I never thought Rin-chan would come to us! Or that Gou-chan would get in the pool! Don't you love it when everything just seems to go your way? Or, well, almost everything.

I'm not exactly uncomfortable with the way I am. I've known for a while now. And it's not really much of a surprise to anybody, is it? I'm girlier than half the girls I know, so it's not really much of a shock that I'm not attracted to them. I haven't really told anyone though. No-one needs to know except me and anyone I end up dating, I think. So I'll keep my cards to chest a little longer. But I have to wonder, what does Rei-chan think? Sometimes I wish I could read his mind the way Mako-chan can read Haru-chan's. I just… really want to know what he thinks of me. He's open with me as it is, but there some things I just can't tell for myself. But I don't want to ask them, either. I'm a forward person, but there are boundaries on this kind of thing. We each have our secrets, and even though I hate it, it's probably staying that way for a while yet. And, of the five of us, he's the newest. I know the least about him. I know Haru-chan and Mako-chan were made for each other, and I know Rin-chan feels left out sometimes, but comes around in the end. But Rei-chan. I can't tell what he likes. Does he like other guys? Or does he like girls? Or both? I can't even tell. And that sucks, because I don't know whether or not I can chase him. He seems to be into Gou-chan. So, does that make him straight? Well, I know a little theory, too, and it says that gayness is linked to higher order intelligence, and Rei-chan's as high order as I've ever seen. He'd know that, too, I'm sure. So is he gay? Maybe he's somewhere is the middle? That'd be fun. Refreshingly different, and really cute. Just like Rei-chan. So is he bi? I wish I knew. But either way, I know I'm competing with Gou-chan. He was totally ogling her today. So if he's straight, maybe I can turn him, or if he's bi, well, then I can save myself the effort. But, I wonder if I can beat Gou-chan?

* * *

Well, today had plenty of unexpected turns. I can say the probability of Rin-san (-senpai) getting a transfer wasn't something I'd considered. Theoretically, it's foolish. There's absolutely no reason that he should have moved away from a swimming powerhouse if he wants to make it to the Olympics, and if he's shooting for university, Samezuka is preferable to Iwatobi in virtually every respect. But it's interesting seeing how everyone reacts. I might be the recent addition, but I think that the five of us are still a team, no matter. Well, I say five, but there's six club members.

Gou-san. I can't determine how I should be thinking about her. Theory would dictate she should be nothing more than a friend. But somehow that just doesn't sound satisfying. I feel like I want to know her better and understand the way she thinks and feels. She's not beautiful, so it's not a physical attraction, I don't think. Or, well, she's not traditionally beautiful. But there's something a little bit different about her that makes her beautiful nonetheless. But then, I went running my mouth off, saying she's not beautiful at all when Nagisa-kun asked. Nagisa-kun… I'm not sure how I'm meant to be thinking about him either. I know, in theory, that homosexual attraction is typical of beings of higher intelligence, like humans, so I'm in the clear, if not superior, in a basic Darwinist evolutionary sense. But that doesn't mean everything will go over in practice. Again, it's much the same… I shouldn't want anything more than a friendship from him, but I do. He's not exactly beautiful either. But his personality is. Is this right? Is it right that I'm torn between feelings for a boy and a girl? And is it right that the decision is so difficult? Is it right that I feel like I can't talk about this until I find the answer myself? I don't think there's a theory for this, but I still need to know if it's right.

* * *

What a doozy today was. First Onii-chan goes and transfers to Iwatobi, joins the swim club, and then we just have a little day off, and suddenly everything's on its head. I know that Onii-chan is just upstairs now, and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. It's been so long since we were last together properly, and we hardly spoke all day. I'm having a few regrets about my decision to join them all today. Was it really a good idea?

Well, Rei-kun didn't seem to think so. Him and all his stupid 'this is beautiful' and 'this is not beautiful'. Doesn't he know it's not appropriate to judge people by their looks? Especially not women. And most of all, not women my age. I have enough trouble convincing myself I'm beautiful as it is, so I don't need any help to dislike my body, thank you very much. I don't think I'm ugly. But I know I'm not beautiful. Well, my hair's pretty nice, but my waist is a little wider than I'd like and my skin is pale and blemished and my eyes are disconcerting. Seriously, who has red eyes? It wouldn't be a lie to say I've considered some pretty drastic things to try and be more beautiful, but I've not had to resort to them yet. I shouldn't have to, should I? I mean, Nagisa-kun said he thought I was beautiful. Well, he said it, but I don't know if he meant it. I would have a hard time believing that. I mean, even I don't think I'm beautiful, so why the hell would he? And… even if he did mean it, I don't think it means the same to him as it does to me. He probably means I'm right for someone else, and I'll be able to catch just anybody being just half-pretty. But I don't want just anybody. I want him. But I don't think I'll get him. He's aiming for someone else. I don't know who, and I don't really care because that person isn't me, and that's all I need to know. It could even be another guy. It wouldn't surprise me. But, still, I don't think he and I will ever be a pair. I'm not beautiful enough or sporty enough or smart enough or anything to draw in any major catches. Well, I guess I'll just be stuck staring at muscles forever. I roll over in bed again, trying to think about anything but this. And I think about Onii-chan and about how we haven't really spoken properly for forever and about all the opportunities I had to fix that today and about how each and every one of them wasted away like they were never there to begin with. When he was away at school, he only came back for about a month each year. So about four months in four years, that's all we had.  
And now he's right in front of me and I can't do anything with it. Ah, I'm pathetic. I'm so bad at drawing matches I can't even be friendly with my own brother. I want to be close with him – what kind of sister would I be if I didn't? But I just don't know if I can be. I don't know if I can be close with Onii-chan or Nagisa-kun or anybody, so I just curl up into my pillow and try to fall asleep, but I fall a few tears instead.


	7. Tuesday Mornings Suck

Last night was rough. I normally sleep fairly poorly, and I always wake up late. But last night was really rough. I don't know if I slept at all. Normally, at times like that, I try listening to some music to try and relax, but most songs are about love and friendship, and those are two things I'm not really in the mood to hear about right now. I need to make a few decisions about what Haru is to me before I'm ready for that. Well, at the minute, he's my excuse to be late. I knock on his front door, and he doesn't answer. Again. So I look at the bathroom window, and steam's coming out. Again. So I go around to the back door, and it's unlocked. Again. I make my way in, and knock on the bathroom door. Again. "Haru, if you don't hurry up, we'll be late." Again. No response, so I just meander in. Again. And, sure enough, there he is in the bath, soaking in it like the world around him wasn't there at all. Again. And I walk over, and reach out a hand, offering to help him out with a smile. 'Here.' Again.

Oh, well, not quite 'again.' Normally, I close my eyes when I smile. I don't know why, it's just a habit I picked up. But this time, I open my eyes wider than normal. And as he reaches out and wraps his hand around my wrist, I notice I don't want him to let go. And I notice that I pull him up more slowly than normal, so my eyes have more time to dwell on any one part of his body. And I notice my eyes are straining to see through the steam coming off the bath, straining to see any little detail I haven't already seen, and all the ones I have. And when he stands up in full, I notice that I don't immediately go to let go and leave the bathroom like normal. I notice that I stay and just stare at him a little, and I notice that I hope he doesn't see me doing it. I notice he's wearing a swimsuit, and even though it's not a surprise, I'm surprised that I notice it's not the same one he was wearing at practice yesterday. It fits differently – the one yesterday was a little looser around his hips, and tighter down his legs, but this one is just all-around tight – particularly there. I swallow, somewhat uncomfortably. "Well, I'll see you downstairs once you're dressed." I walk out of the bathroom trying to be as un-awkward as possible, but I think it just made it worse.

"Makoto?" I crane my neck back to face him again, because I'd just turned the corner around the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? You seem a little strange today." And for a split second, it crosses my mind that I could just tell him everything, I could run back in there and hold him tight and maybe more, I could find out what he thinks about me and maybe we could skip school together and just bathe in our newfound feelings. And a split second later I realise that he could say no, he could push me away, he could call me a freak, he could leave me alone forever. It could be that we'd never recover if I told him everything. It could be that these mornings and the days together at school would just be over like they'd never started, and I couldn't deal with that.

"I'm totally fine. Don't worry. Just hurry up and get dressed." I smile again, and this time I do close my eyes because I don't want him to see I'm lying.

* * *

You know, I've never really noticed how helpless I'd be without Makoto around. I mean, I'd probably never make it to school, more or less every day. I'd probably spend my entire life in the bath. Or a pool, or something. Point being, I lean on Makoto more than I realise. It's not like I couldn't do it. I just wouldn't be paying enough attention to care. And, if I don't feel like talking, I know he'll talk for me. It's always been a little like that. But I don't feel like I care about him enough for everything he does for me. Is it right that I value Rin more than I do Makoto? It doesn't seem right. I'm taking so much time thinking about all these things I'm still not dressed a full five minutes later. I shake my head and get it all out, and I finally go downstairs. I haven't done up my buttons and I can't find my tie. I think it's downstairs. Sure enough, Makoto's holding it up. "Thanks." Is that really all I can say?

"You really don't need to thank me, Haru." He seems unsettled, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, I'm not pressing. If he won't talk about it to me, it's private. So I'll leave it alone. He'll talk when he's ready. He smiles again, but it seems kind of tight, like those 40-something women you see who are addicted to Botox. I worry about him sometimes. I hope he sorts it out soon. I get sad when he's sad.

So, do I value him more than I do Rin? We're walking to school, and he's talking about something. But I can't pay as much attention as I'd like. Until he mentions Rin. Suddenly, my ears perk up and I'm paying attention again. "How weird is it that Rin decided to transfer?"

"It really doesn't make any sense." I am irritated that he transferred? I'm not. It's so much better having him around. But I just don't know how I feel about him.

Makoto laughs. "You sound like you're disappointed." He sounds more comfortable than before. Am I disappointed? It's good that I can swim with Rin. I know that. But is that all I want?

"I'm not disappointed he transferred. I just can't figure out why." I hope Makoto thinks I'm just talking about the transfer. I've already figured out why he did it. Now I just need to figure out why I feel so weird about it. Why do I feel like something's gone wrong, even though everything's gone right? Why do I feel like I can't get close to him, even though he's right there? Why do I feel like he means more now that's he there? Why do I feel like he's the lynch pin that holds my life together?

"Well, I guess we'll just have to talk to him about it, won't we?" Good. Makoto swallowed it – he didn't even suspect what I really meant. I sigh, reflexively.

"Maybe." I wish I could. Even though he's right in front of me, I feel like he's nowhere near. School comes into sight just around the corner and Makoto breaks into a half-bred jog.

"Pick up the pace, Haru! We can't be late again." So I break into a half-bred jog as well and we half-bred jog up to the school gates and to our classroom and I can't help but notice Rin isn't there.

* * *

I'm a little bit out of practice at going to school. Well, not the classes and all that, actually _going _there. It's been forever-and-a-day since I last actually had to move to get to school. Australia was a bit weird. You moved from classroom to classroom, rather than teachers coming to you, so I still had to do some walking. And there's a right ton of land space down there, so the school was huge. Apparently, for Australia, it was fairly average size, but by Japanese standards, it was practically half a town. Well, not quite that bad. But it took a full ten minutes to walk from one end to the other. Which, more often than not, was my room to my first class. But that's only ten minutes, and it's only walking.

Samezuka was better, but more cramped. If I'd really felt the need, I probably could have fallen out of my bed into my homeroom seat. So I've gotten quite used to sleeping in. Or, well, more like waking up ridiculously early to go to swim training and then going back to sleep again. But today, I had no swim training, and a train to catch. Gou must have been shaking me for a full five minutes until I finally realised what the hell was going on.

So now we're late. Not late-late, but late enough that it won't look good on my second day. Well, it's not like they're going to kick me. I don't know if they have the option to do that. I half-hope not, but then I remember that even if they could, it's not like they would. Really. Why would you? A possible Olympian, and a certain university entry otherwise. Would you pass up a chance to say they were a past student? I'm more worried about Gou.

"Why did you wait for me? I could've gone by myself." We'd managed to snag two seats next to each other. Someone must like us today. But she twitches awkwardly and her feet turn in when I talk to her. How could that possibly be comfortable?

"Well… I wanted to make sure you didn't get lost. Mum said she drove you in yesterday, so it's your first time taking this route, isn't it?"

"It's the first time I've had to make it from the station to the school, but not the first time I've been to Iwatobi Station or High School. So it wouldn't be impossible for me to find my way there. But now you're going to be late. Surely that's not a good thing."

"Well, it's not like it's the first time a student's been a little bit late. It'll blow over by second period."

I frown a little. She seems to have covered all her bases, but I'm not convinced that's what she's actually thinking. The fact that's she staring down at her turned-in feet really doesn't help. Seriously, how can that be comfortable? "You sure that's all it's about?" If it isn't, why can't you look at me?

"Yeah." I can practically see the gears in her head turning as she tries to figure out something to say to keep the conversation going. She seems to come up blank, and she just keeps contemplating her knees, with her feet turned in like some demonic inverted penguin.

"Well, thanks. It means a lot." I turn away noncommittally, pretending to be all holier-than-thou like I hadn't just thanked her. It's weird. I don't know why I do that. It's just a thing. I don't like looking at people if they're about to start gushing emotions, and they normally do after someone says thanks.

"Don't mention it." She seems more at ease now. Even though I can't see her, I hear her straightening up and looking at me, finally. So I turn back and look at her, and she's smiling, and I feel like I did the right thing. "This is our stop."

The train screeches to an abrupt halt, and we stand up and get off. I take a look both ways and realise I'm not really sure which exit I should be taking. I feel like west is the right way, but east makes more sense when I try to lay out Iwatobi in my head. Gou grabs my wrist and drags me to the west exit. Well, at least my instincts aren't dead yet. "Hurry up, Onii-chan. We're already late." She lets go of my wrist and we both break into a mutual jog to try and get to school in a remnant of on-time.


	8. The Train Had Been Late - Get Over It

Well, I was late. Later than I thought I would be. I have to stand in the hall for a full ten minutes. I never really got that. I mean, I was late to class, so what do they do? Make me later. It doesn't really add up. Oh, well. I'm not exactly complaining. I mean, why do I want to be sitting in there studying something stupid like physics or English? At least this way I have some time to myself.

Time to myself. What am I saying? I get too much of that. I spend so much time by myself, doing whatever, but why don't I ever go out with anybody? I don't mean go out like date, just go out like hit up the mall with the girls from my class or something. Or even with my own brother. We've practically been on opposite sides of the world for five years, give or take. We're like strangers and I hate it. I've always hated it. So he comes back home and all I can do is stare at my knees. Why can't I look level at him, and talk to him just like I can to anybody? Shouldn't he be easier to talk to? I mean, we're like, 50% the same person, aren't we? So why can't we act like it? I lean back against the wall, half-making to slide down it, but then I think that'd be a horrible idea. What if sensei came out and here's me on the floor? I'd probably have to stand out here for another ten minutes. Go figure. I wonder what they're doing in there? It's English now, I know that much. But, I wonder. Is Nagisa-kun pestering Rei-kun, trying to get him to help him or speak to him or do whatever? Is Rei-kun focusing in like some laser, ignoring the random hot guy battering him? What words are they learning? Maybe a new tense? I kinda gave up after the future. English makes no sense.

My life doesn't make much sense either.

* * *

I've really never understood what most people find so difficult about English. Well, speaking it's hard, because it has quite a collection of sounds that just don't exist in Japanese, so our mouths and vocal cords aren't used to producing them. But reading it and writing it are just an exercise in application of theory. There are a series of tenses, used for a series of purposes. And, at least English doesn't have inbuilt levels of propriety or formality in speech patterns. I can imagine an English speaker moving to Japan would make many a faux pas until they got the grasp of when to use which register. Learning English, we just have to learn words and tenses and we're done. No double-checking to make sure you didn't just call the emperor _kisama. _That would be awkward. Although, the tenses do become a little confusing at times. Really, why is there a need for three different kinds of past tense? If it happened in the past, that's all there is to it. And compound tenses are annoying, because you have to remember how to conjugate the auxiliary verb first, and then make sure your participle is right. And English doesn't have many rules for participles. I tried to make some sort of theory for it, but there's wasn't really any logic.

I hate it when that happens. Anything that can't be expressed in theory and deconstructed logically is not beautiful at all. Well, so I thought, anyway. But there are some things that just aren't meant to be theorised, I suppose. Like Haruka-senpai's swimming. Like why I can only swim butterfly. Like why, even in the middle of class, when I know she's standing outside, I still look over at Gou-san's seat and expect her to be there. Well, not expect. More like want. I just want her to be there so I can look at her. That sounds creepy, doesn't it? It's not really like that. Well, maybe a little. It's not like I want to look at her, I just don't want to look away. It's weird. And, it helps that, looking at her, I can see Nagisa-kun out the corner of my eye. I think I get the best view of him from this side. Gou-san looks over this way a lot, but I can never tell if she's looking at me or Nagisa-kun. I suspect the latter. I suppose she'd be envious of my view, then. Should I offer to swap seats? No, that's a bad idea. There's only a finite number of ways it could go wrong. But there are some very large finite numbers. How would I even explain that to her? "I can see you like Nagisa-kun, but I get the better view so since I like you, I'm being nice and saying we should swap places." That made even less sense than I thought it would. Besides, I quite like having this view. I get to look at both of them at once, size them up next to one another. Maybe it'll make my choice easier. It hasn't so far, but probability theory dictates I just haven't left it long enough. I don't really know if probability theory applies to this, though.

"Ryuugazaki-kun!" The teacher suddenly calls my name, and I stand up as much out of habit as anything else. I've been staring at the wall too long. I don't know where we're up to. "Read."

"Okay, sir." I gulp subtly as I pick up my textbook, not knowing if I'm on the right page or not.

"Rei-chan, it's page 60." Nagisa gives me a smile and a wink, and I blush a little and bury my nose into my book, finding page 60 as I do.

"Hazuki-kun, if you're going to help him, at least get it right. Page 72, Ryuugazaki-kun." I gulp again and make it to page 72, starting my reading in a not-inordinately long time. Nagisa-kun clasps his hand over his head in a mock beg-forgiveness sort of pose, and I pretend to be too busy reading to notice. "Good job. But pay attention next time."

"Thank you sir, and sorry. I will." I sit back and realise I'm breathing heavily. That was nerve-racking. I don't understand why people don't pay attention in class when things like that happen. Just my luck, the one time I was off guard, I got called. Now I look a fool. Not beautiful at all.

"Ah, Matsuoka-san. That's long enough. Come in now." The door slides open and Gou-san walks in, nonchalantly making her way to and subsequently sitting in her seat, settling neatly into my eyeline.

* * *

"Morning, Gou-chan." I smile at her with a delayed greeting, but it's the first time we've seen each other today, so it's cool.

"Morning." She can be so short.

"We were studying a new tense. Pluperfect. Think you can handle revising it on your own?' I wink at her, 100% sure she's going to say no.

"What do you think I am, stupid?" Well, that was non-sequitur. "Besides, Onii-chan lived in Australia for four years. I don't think I'm going to need help with English." The woman has a point. I hadn't considered that.

"You should be acing it then, Gou-chan! Wait for a perfect 100 on your next test!" I laugh at her, just a little. No way would she get a perfect score.

"Well, maybe. I just don't get English."

"I feel you on that one." There's something else I'm not getting in this classroom, not just the godforsaken pluperfect tense. I don't get what's going on with Rei-chan. I don't get why he spaced out before. I don't get why he fell for it when I told him the wrong page. I don't get why he translated a couple of the words wrong before he corrected himself – he never makes vocab mistakes. But most of all, I don't get why he's looking at Gou-chan instead of me.


	9. Four to a Relay, Five to a Team

Well, yesterday was fun and all, but I'm looking forward to fanging into some actual training. I throw my pen back and forth in my left hand, balancing my head on my right, and wait for Sensei's dry voice to close up under the trill of the bell. I don't even know what he's talking about anymore. Maybe acid rain or something. I don't even know what subject this is meant to be. Shows how hard I've been listening. I rip my eyes off the window, and look at the blackboard instead of the pool for a second, long enough to read Le Châtelier's Principle off it. So this is chemistry, and we're talking about equilibrium. Got it. "Matsuoka." The teacher's sandy voice addresses me and I stand up slowly, making sure everyone understands how much of an effort I'm making just to pretend I care.

"Yeah?"

"Explain what happens, and why, when you add acid to soda water."

I sigh. Is that meant to be a question? "When you add acid to soda water, you increase the concentration of hydronium ions, causing the equilibrium between the bicarbonate and carbonate ions to shift backwards to try and counteract the change, and also likewise affecting the equilibrium between carbonic acid and bicarbonate. The increase in the concentration of bicarbonate ions also causes the carbonic acid-bicarbonate system to drive the reverse reaction, increasing the concentration of carbonic acid, which in turn causes the dissolved carbon dioxide-carbonic acid system to drive backward, increasing the concentration of aqueous carbon dioxide and finally, the causes the gaseous-aqueous carbon dioxide system to reverse, to reduce the concentration of dissolved gas, causing gas to come out of solution, decarbonating the water and re-establishing equilibrium, all as an application of Le Châtelier's Principle." I sit back down, not waiting for a response from Sensei. I know my answer was perfect.

I hear some whispers from around me. "He wasn't even paying attention… How did he pull out an answer like that? ... That's a private school student for you… Amazing, isn't he?" I sigh again. They're acting like that was hard. I look to the back, and Haru and Makoto seem somewhat taken aback. Letting my eyes wander upwards, the clock's second hand beats out the last moments of class while Sensei stands there stammering, like somebody had just clocked him. I guess my answer did. Was it really all that? The bell finally rings and a few brief formalities later, I walk to the back of the room.

"Where on earth did you learn all that, Rin?" Makoto seems legitimately curious.

"A little place called Samezuka Academy. You broke into the pool there once, remember?" I have to laugh a little. "Where else?"

"Yeah, but that was, like, Rei levels of theory right there. And you spat it out like it was nothing. You're helping me study for finals. I'm sorry, but you don't get a choice." He smiles good-naturedly, and turns towards Haru.

"Why are we still here when we could be at the pool?"

* * *

Well, we're at the pool now. Finally. Rin's answer was flashy, and fairly impressive, but what do you expect from a private school student? Why exactly did it take us five minutes to discuss it in full? It doesn't matter now, anyway, we're at the pool. So, let's move on and get to swimming. I don't have to bother changing – I was wearing my swimsuit, like always. So off with the clothes, and I'm in the pool again. It feels nice to be in water, but not as nice as normal.

It's Rin again. Whenever I feel this way, it's always about him. And even after six years, I still don't really know why. I see Makoto try and wave me down. He's probably got a formal training schedule for us. I stop and push my head out of the water so I can hear straight.

"We have got an official program, Haru, but first there's something we need to discuss with everybody, so sight tight a minute, 'kay?" He gives one of his cute little smile-things, but something's different about it. His eyes are open, and looking straight at me. Not at my face, at my stomach. And the muscles at the edges are twitching, slightly, but noticeably. Is he checking me out? No way. We've spent half our lives half-naked in front of each other. If he'd wanted to check me out, he would've by now. But somehow, I don't mind.

The other three run across from the change rooms, and Rei's the first to talk. "So, what's our regime, captain?"

"Rei, I told you to stop calling me that."

"Sorry, Makoto-senpai."

"It's fine, it's fine. But there's one thing we need to discuss first. We've got the same problem we had at nationals last year – there's five of us, and four relay positions. So, who swims? For my part, I would say the fastest-"

"Rei swims, no matter what." Rin doesn't even let Makoto finish his sentence before he gets his two bobs worth in the conversation.

"Now, it's not as simple as all that."

"No, it really is." Rei tightens up, and seems to be searching for some kind of argument against it. "Even if I means I don't, that's a debt I have to pay."

"Rin-sa…senpai, it's not like that. You don't owe me anything."

"No, I do. I don't care what you say. My pride as a swimmer and as a man won't be satisfied until you take my place like I took yours."

"You didn't take it, I gave it to you!"

"That's even worse!" Rin looks away the way he does when he gets angry, and I just look at him. I look at him and appreciate the size of his muscles, and I wonder what it'd feel like to press myself flat against him. I wonder if the corners of my eyes are twitching like Makoto's were. And I wonder why I didn't realise sooner what this conversation really meant.

I don't get to swim a relay with Rin. He and Rei are still bickering about whether it's an insult or a complement to give Rin the place, but I don't need to hear. Rin'll win. He always wins. Because, even if we give him the place, he'll do something stupid – he'll quit the club, he'll hurt himself, whatever. But he won't just swim. He won't swim with me, and if he's not with me I don't know what it's for. So I turn around and take off, doing my own private regime, the regime to ignore my problems. I try to ask the water for answer, but it doesn't respond.

* * *

Well, we've lost Haru. I would say it's because he's tired of watching this two carry on like kindergarteners, but I'm not so convinced that's the case myself. I'm dead sure he was looking at Rin before, but not the way he normally does. It was more like the way I look at Haru – trying to be subtle, but examining every inch of his body over and over until you know it better than you know your own. So, does that mean he feels the same way about Rin as I do him? I cross my heart and find myself praying not.

Tearing my eyes off Haru, I look back at the argument that's broken out in between our two butterfly swimmers. Nagisa's trying desperately to break it, but it doesn't seem to be working so well. I take a step in, pulling up my full height. "It doesn't matter so much now. We can talk about it later. I just thought we needed to get in up in the air early."

It seems like it was Rei's turn to lash out, because he bites his tongue and manages to restrain himself from continuing. "So, then… what's our regime, Makoto-senpai?" I have to bite _my_ tongue to keep myself from sighing in relief. At least one of them is old enough to know when to stop. Seriously, fights between us are worse than between Ren and Ran. It's crazy. Aren't older people supposed to fight less?

"Well, Gou has the sheet with it on it, but it's not that different to any of the others we've used. We're all attacking our weaknesses, like normal. Then, we'll do 100 metres each with the kickboard and the buoy, to work the arms and legs independently." Speaking of Gou, where is she?

"Oh, that reminds me. Gou-chan said she felt a little sick, so she was going on home." Rin seems to perk up a little. Not like enjoyment-perk up, like attentiveness-perk up.

"Oh, well. Let's all hope she gets better soon. Now, we're all sorted. So, into the pool, all." I clap my hands like that's going to make them get in faster. I turn my head to Rin. "I'm not sure you've got any real weaknesses, but if you do, you know what they are. So go for it!" I smile again, take a few running steps and dive in, taking the lane between Haru and Nagisa. Rei and Rin are yet to get in.

Rei's stretching against the fence. I never really got why he did that, but it keeps him loose and he seems to enjoy it. So, each to their own? I crunch up against the wall and launch myself backwards into the water, trying to even my stroke. And about halfway down the pool, I cross Haru, swimming the other way. And I stop paying attention to my stroke for a split second, instead giving it to Haru's. The way he just slips through the water like it wasn't even there. The way he pushes it out of the way, making a hole for himself and forcing his whole body into it. The way his spine curves, giving me a straight view up his left leg to his shoulder. And all the little details filling up that space, all the ones I know and want to know better. The shape his body makes, and the shape I would have to make with mine for the two of us to fit together like two lost pieces of a puzzle. But, at the minute, we don't fit together at all. So he just glides on past me like I'm not even here and I pull my brain back to evening my stroke.

But Rin comes up beside Rei, fresh off finishing his stretch, and aggressively grabs the fence, his arm pushing up against Rei's neck. He says something softly, so I can't make it out, then he walks away and takes the lane on the other side of Haru.


	10. Busy Nights

_"__No matter what you say, you will swim in the relay."_

He said it so aggressively, I didn't know how to respond, and even now I'm agonising over how I would when I should be doing homework. So instead I just stood there, gulping at the air like a fish, until his arm pulled out from under my chin and we both walked over to the pool. Chance had it we were in neighbouring lanes. And whenever I swam past him, I made an appoint to look the other way, so we never locked eyes. But I still felt his eyes crawling over me, examining my stroke, my kick, my form. I'd taken his place on the butterfly leg, so I suppose he would be naturally territorial over it. I wonder what he thought? I know, in theory, my technique is perfect. My knowledge of the theory is beyond reproach, but I'm still learning how to apply it right. Well, that's normal, isn't it? I've only been swimming for about a year. Rin-san (-senpai. One of these days, I will get that right) has been swimming for at least twelve years to be as good as he is, so naturally, he's got tips and pointers for me. I feel like I should be asking him for them, but I don't know what approach I should use.

I could ask him directly, but that would seem rude. Well, maybe I can con him into thinking that's a good way to repay his self-charged debt to me. _"My pride as a swimmer and as a man won't be satisfied until you take my place like I took yours." _Quite eloquent. But he's doesn't get my side of the story. My pride as a swimmer and as a man won't be satisfied if I let him surrender his place to me without my earning it. And, no matter how much I improve, there's really no question – Rin-senpai (finally, got it right) will be faster than me, no matter how much I practice. He could probably out-swim me with one hand tied behind his back. So why is he so adamant I swim? I can't determine the answer – I don't know the right theories to use here.

Actually, I doubt they exist at all. Something like this isn't bound by theories, I don't think. Something as complex and multifaceted as human behaviour can't be rationalised into a sequence of rules. So, I try to think the way he thinks. I don't really know him that well, so I come up drastically short. Is this debt-to-pay mentality standard Rin-senpai procedure? Or I am an exception? Based on what I know of him, the latter seems more likely. If so, why? I saw how happy he was when the relay finished, and they won. So why is he relinquishing that happiness to me? Why is he valuing my feelings above his own? I remember one time, I was young, and I asked my mother what this "love" thing she was always on about was, and she said something like that. _Loving someone is liking them so much you'll do anything to make them happy, no matter what it does to you. _I don't think that's a satisfactory definition of love now that I'm that older, but it sounds a lot like the way Rin-senpai's acting towards me right now. So, does that mean what I think it means? I sigh. Great. My decision was hard enough as it stood. Now I've got a third choice.

* * *

Well, that was a fight I didn't need. I'm going out for dinner with my family, and I was going to be distracted anyway. Now it's even worse! Rin-chan vs. Rei-chan – the battle for the relay position! It sounds like the title of an anime episode, doesn't it? But, it's one of those clever, misleading ones, that makes you think one thing and then gives you another one altogether. Rei-chan wants Rin-chan on and Rin-chan wants Rei-chan on and everyone else just wishes five-person relays were a thing. I guess, Rin-chan thinks he can swim the individual medley – he's the only one of us with the proficiency in all four strokes to pull that off. But, it's not the same. The relay – there's something about the fact that four people pull together to get the job done that makes it different to doing that by yourself. Mako-chan said that we should just post the fastest four – but who does that put in? Haru-chan takes the freestyle leg, duh. That's not even a question. But still, Rin-chan could take my spot on breast, or Mako-chan's on back. I don't know if he's faster than us on those, but that way Rin-chan and Rei-chan are both in relay. And that sounds like a solution at the minute, and not one either of them seem to have noticed.

They're so alike. They don't see it, but they are so alike. Rin-chan's abrasive and violent compared to Rei-chan's sort of calm, logical manner. But that aside, they're both stubborn as mules. And they're both really smart – Rin-chan pretends to not be, but he is. And if you put them next to each other, save the hair and eyes, they even look alike. They're built the same. And, I was impressed to notice, Rei-chan's just as muscular and Rin-chan is. Like, I knew he was big, but not that big. I take a moment, and catch myself wondering how big Rei-chan is in a few other places. The image is fun, but it lacks detail. I'll have to see the real thing for myself to know for sure. Even though the change rooms aren't exactly private, you figure out ways of maintaining modesty when you change out of swimsuits, so I've never seen him properly. There was that time, on training camp, when we all bathed in the one room, but it was steamy, and everyone was wearing towels until they got in the water anyway, so I couldn't get a good view. I could always offer to help him shave. That's a good excuse – it'll sound like it's for the team, but really, it'd be for me. It'd help the team, too. Maybe. But it'd mostly be for me.

I can't help but wonder if Mako-chan and Haru-chan have seen each other. Maybe they help each other shave from time to time. They have no hair anywhere else, so they'd be cool with shaving there, sure. Haru-chan probably wanted to feel the water better, or something. And Mako-chan probably would have followed suit, for the experience if nothing else. He's open-minded that way. I supress a sigh.

I wish Rei-chan and I were close like those two.

* * *

I said I was sick. But it wasn't strictly true. I just wasn't in the mood to watch four hot guys be best friends with my brother while I just sat there being alone. When I could have been friends with them, when I could have been sisterly with my own goddamn brother, when I could have planning a date with Nagisa-kun. Well, no. No way would that last one ever happen. But still. I suppose I was sick. Sick of being alone, sick of being the only one on the outer, sick of being me. Ever since I took the seat next to Nagisa-kun, the girls don't talk to me anymore. I guess I spend most of my time with him and Rei-kun, so it's my fault as much as anyone's. But, if we go anywhere together, normally those five are in the pool while I'm on the side cheering. Or they're shopping for something, it's always a guy something. Or swim gear. But anyway, it's not like I can go shopping for clothes or whatever like that with someone. Well, I've gotta think Nagisa-kun has good taste, and as much as it can be a pain in the neck, Rei-kun's constant beauty talk must means he has at least some appreciation of what'd look good. So maybe I should invite them out sometime. Why not? But I'd probably just end up caught in the middle of a little lover's quarrel. I turn over on my bed, so I face the window. I sit up and look out it, and I wonder why I never just do things.

And then there's a knock on my door. "Come in." I turn my face there, as much out of courtesy as out of interest. And then Onii-chan fills up the frame.

"Are you feeling any better, Gou?"

"Yeah, a little. Thanks."

"Just so you know, everyone wanted to come and wish you good health and whatnot, but they were all busy." My face breaks out in a smile. Small at first, but it doesn't stay that way long.

"Really?"

"Dead set. I had to practically fight Nagisa onto his train just so that he didn't ditch his family for dinner to come and see you. I managed to talk Rei into it, but he took plenty of convincing, make no mistake, even though he had serious homework to be doing."

My face breaks out in some huge smile, and I try to cover it so I don't look like such an idiot. Maybe I _should_ ask them out to go shopping. "Well, that's sweet."

Onii-chan ruffles about in his bag, and pulls out a little box of chocolates. "And before I forget, we bought you these." He turns to the side so he's looking at me as little as possible, and stretching out his arm like he's holding a snake. "Are you going to take them, or not?"

I reach out and grab the box. "Thank you." I look at them a little closer. They're expensive. I just keep smiling and Onii-chan goes to leave. "Wait, Onii-chan!" He turns around, grabbing the doorframe to support his weight as he twists around to face me. "Want one?"

He laughs. "We bought them for you." He turns his head away, and it feels like the conversation's over. "But maybe just one." He turns back in and we open the box together, surveying the contents carefully before making our first selections.

"To Iwatobi Swim Club." I don't think it's exactly standard procedure to make a toast with chocolates, but since when does this family follow procedure?

"To friends." Friends that send home chocolate for you when you weren't really sick in the first place. "And to family." Onii-chan says it like it's empty, but I can tell it's not. I guess this means he wants to be closer, too. Maybe… just maybe, we can be.

"Cheers." We smile at each other, and each of our bite-size pieces disappear down our respective throats. They're good, as good as the price tag Onii-chan forgot to remove promised.

"Well, I'll see you at dinner." He turns to leave again, and I lunge out and grab at his shoulder, catching him just before he's out of reach.

"Actually… if you have the time…" I start feeling shy again. Asking for help has never been something I was good at.

"You need help with the pluperfect tense, right? Nagisa told me all about it. Let's go. Twenty minutes with me and you'll be going like a native."

I realise my smile hasn't faded this entire time, and my eyes all but cry out of the sheer joy of the situation. "Let's go."


	11. A Hot Date?

Author's Note: I hope you're all ready for a marathon! I promised shipping would get way out of hand, and this is where it finally gets its mack on. Enjoy...

* * *

_That weekend…_

I wake up on Saturday morning, and decide to take a shower instead of a bath. I'm meeting the rest of the club to go swimsuit shopping. Again, sure. And I already have a lot. But you can never have too many. And they wear out fast. Chlorine works hell on lycra. Everyone keeps saying I should try polyester or nylon ones instead, but they don't feel the same. Nylon's heavy, and it feels like it tries to keep the water away from me. I don't like that. And polyester is kind of abrasive. I can't relax in it, and it's not tight enough for me. And even it was, it's not a good place to be wearing abrasive clothing. But I shower, because I'm more likely to get out in time than if I take a bath, and I take my pick of which swimsuit to wear. I feel like there could be water around today, so I like to be prepared. Even though we're shopping for swim gear. I guess that's a bit weird, but that's how I work, and I'm not changing just for the hell of a change.

So I've put together my outfit. And it felt different than normal. Normally, I just pull out whatever's on the top of my cupboard, take one look over it to just make sure I won't look like a total fool, and then put it on. But today, I considered carefully what I should be wearing. All my clothes are blue, black or white, so colour wasn't the issue. But should I wear a jumper, even though it's summer and it's hot enough as it stands? Should I wear a singlet, and then an open-buttoned shirt over the top? Or maybe just a straightforward T-shirt-pants getup? But my point is, today I actually thought about it. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because Rin's around.

I shake my head to clear thoughts like that. Today's just a get-together between friends, no more, no less. I walk out the door, and see Makoto waiting already at the foot of the stairs. "Why do always wait for me? We're going to the same place." I sound annoyed, but I'm happy to see him there.

He hums for a little bit. "You've got a point. But it's more fun going there with both of us, don't you think?"

I smile slightly, trying not to betray my agreement. "I guess so."

And so we walk on, towards the train station, not to catch a train to the store but first to meet the other four. They all live further away, so they'd all have to catch the train anyway, so instead of leaving someone stranded alone at the centre for however-long, we decided to meet at the station first and catch the train together. It really is more fun together. But, right now, Makoto's quieter than usual.

"Makoto? You're being quiet. Are you feeling okay?" I automatically assume something's wrong. But it's not really an assumption. I just know.

"Hmm? Am I?" He's being even more absent than usual. I thought blondes were supposed to be airheads. Nagisa certainly is. "Well, it's nothing. Just… doing some thinking, is all."

"You sure?" He smiles in response, and it looks like he said something, but a train roars past, having just stopped at the station I hadn't realised we'd gotten to, and it steals his words away. And in exchange, it left behind a single passenger. Wearing a black button-up shirt, the first three undone, collar hanging around like a mess is Rin.

"Yo, Rin!" Makoto calls out to him, and he jog up to the platform. "Where's everyone else?"

"Apparently, they had a few other plans. Gou needs a few new outfits or something, and Nagisa was fangirling over some new release from an idol singer." He half-scoffs, half-smiles at the frivolity of it. "So they've hung us out to dry and gone to do their own thing."

I sit down casually next to Rin and I have to make a concerted effort to stay stoic. I can't show off what I'm thinking right now. Makoto might still be around, but aside from that, this could practically be a date with Rin. Why does that thought get me so excited? Why don't I care that Makoto's there too?

"Haru? You in there?" It sounds like Rin's talking to me, but if I answer, I might let my secret spill, so I just pretend not to hear. "Oh, God. He's having one of _those_ moments." I guess he knows it's just an act. "Makoto, read his mind for me, will you?"

Makoto takes the spot on the other side of me, and I let my mind run away with me for a moment. Here's me, wrapped in on both sides by the two best choices for a partner in human history, and I can't pick. Is that luck or unlucky? Option number 1 stares at me, trying to figure out what's going on in my head, while Option 2 stares at him, waiting for answer. Eventually, Makoto sits back, looking kind of tired. Actually, more like… resigned.

"Don't know."

* * *

As if Makoto couldn't tell what Haru was thinking. Those two practically share a brain. So either they're having a fight, or Makoto didn't want to say. Well, either way, it's none of my business, so I'll just stay out of it. The train whistles its stop, and we get off, just as we planned. Here by 10:15. We have plenty of time to look in plenty of different stores. Although, search me if I know what exactly we're looking for. My suit's polyester, so it holds up really well. I think Makoto's is as well, and even though Haru only wears lycra, he has a million already, and they're all exactly the same.

Whatever. It's a good excuse to spend time with friends. And Gou's proof to me that we need to do that. Like hell she was sick on Tuesday. She just didn't want to see us being all friendly and leaving her behind. So she can go ahead and go out with Rei and Nagisa – they're good kids, and I know they won't make moves on her (although I wouldn't mind if Rei made moves on me). I'm her older brother, so it's my duty to protect her from boyfriends (taking them on myself is a valid tactic). She's getting to be the right age, but she's a little bit young yet. Unless it's the right person. They'll need my approval first, make no mistake.

But anyway, here we are, shopping for swim gear. I don't really need anything new, but I like to have a couple of extra pairs of goggles behind me in case things go wrong – my habit of snapping them at the back of my head isn't good for the cord, so they break pretty fast. I've only got the pair I'm using at the moment, so I head straight over to my section, waving off Haru and Makoto as I do. "I need new goggles. Go over and check out the suits, I'll be over soon."

I know the ones I like. And it takes me no time at all to find them. I check the price, and they're on sale. So I grab, one, two, three pairs, just to play it safe. 6000 yen. Maybe a bit steep for one sale, but now that I'm away from boarding school, our family has a bit more money to swing around. I meet the other two at the change rooms, and sure enough, Haru's picked out another identical swimsuit – just shy of knee length, black lycra, some violent lines going around places. This one's pattern is a little bit awkward. It sorts of tapers up the inside of each leg, across the bridge of the suit and up around the inside of the hip joints, highlighting all the little details in the region.

"Really, Haru? It's exactly the same."

He shies away, trying to find an excuse. "It fits differently."

"I agree," Makoto chirps. Wait, what? "This one's a little tighter around your hips than most of your others, and seems to loosen up a fair bit as you go down. Am I right?"

Haru's as taken aback as I am. "Yeah. You can tell?"

"Well, maybe a little." Makoto laughs, smiles and reaches one arm behind his head. And blushes, hard.

Makoto can tell? What? I strain my eyes, searching for the stupid little details that make this stupid swimsuit special. And I come up blank. It looks _exactly _the same. I look back and forward between them, trying to figure out how exactly that conversation came to pass. And I see Makoto blushing furiously, turning away to try and hide it. Good luck - you're practically glowing, mate. And I see Haru blushing, not furiously, but cutely. Like he's embarrassed that his swimsuit-tightness theory was cracked. I guess these two are closer than I thought. But, if it's like that, why can't they look at each other?

"Oh, well. Makoto, are you buying anything? Because if we're done here, we can probably go and catch a movie." I walk over to the counter, beckoning them to follow me. And they do, and we each walk out with our new purchases. Makoto got a new swimsuit, too, but it looks like it's just a clone of his current one.

We walk over to the cinema, and look at the airing schedule. There aren't many movies on, but most of them start in the next half-hour. "Well, it's decision time, even if the field's a little narrow. What are watching?"

"How about _The Rebellion Story? _The last one in the series of movies for _Madoka Magica? _I've heard it's really good."

"Ehh? You're into mahou shoujou, Makoto?"

"Not really. Ran wanted me to watch the original show with her, but it got too scary for her. She was only six or so at the time. But I liked it a fair bit, and I hear good things about this movie."

"No. There's not enough water in it."

"Come on, Haru. None of these movies are about water. You watched _The Rat's Life _with Nagisa a few months back, didn't you? It had nothing to do with water!"

"Nagisa wanted to. I was just tagging along."

I have to supress a laugh at the way these two bicker. It is exactly like an old married couple. "Well, if not that, then what, Haru? Which movie would you have us watch?"

He just grunts in response. "Fine then. Let's get tickets, and then we can go the supermarket to get food. It's cheaper than buying from the theatre."

Makoto and I exchange a look and then just laugh. "Let's go, then."

There's not really any line, so we just walk right up to the booth and ask for three tickets to the 11:30 showing of _The Rebellion Story. _The seller looks a little taken aback – three guys like us surely aren't the target audience for a movie like that? I get the feeling she makes more than a few judgements, and the feeling that not all of them are strictly wrong. It's still 11:10, so we jog quickly to a supermarket/convenience store hybrid-thing that's not too far away. Haru was right – for the price of a tiny can – as in, about 5 minutes worth of moisture – at the cinema, you can actually buy a drink large enough to last the entire length of the movie. To say nothing of snacks. Not only are they cheaper, but there's a better choice here.

We each choose drinks first – Haru just gets a bottle of water, and Makoto nags him a little (just a little, I swear) about choosing such a boring drink, picking out an orange-flavoured soft drink for himself. I run the selection once-over with my eyes, and I struggle a little to make up my mind. In the end, I can't decide, so I go and pick out three smaller bottles – one with water, one with the same drink as Makoto, and a third with some generic-brand cola.

We walk over to look through the choices we have for food – this could take a little while.

"There's no mackerel here."

Makoto just sighs and drops his head into his palm. "You're not supposed to take mackerel into movies, Haru."

"Really? I normally do."

I tune out their conversation briefly, trying to decide between the sweet and savoury choices. Sweets won't last as long, but they taste better. Anything savoury sort of isn't appropriate for a movie, though. It's a tough decision. So I remain undecided, and again pick one of each, but in smaller proportions. A bag of chocolates – just random little lumps with random fillings on the inside (the promise of a surprise each time makes it somewhat more interesting), and a bag of potato chips. Ham flavoured. Now that I say like that in my head, it sounds weird. Potatoes taste good by themselves, so it's odd that we go to so much trouble cutting them up and whatever just to make them taste like something different. But whatever. Haru couldn't find any mackerel, so instead he has two tins of pineapple. Makoto got the same bag of chocolates I did, but larger.

"We ready? By the time we get back there, the movie should be starting."

"I've got everything I want." Makoto makes his way over to the counter to pay.

"I wanted mackerel, but this'll do." Haru noncommittally follows him, and I tag onto the back of the line.

"This had better be a good movie, Makoto," I observe, somewhat loudly. "Did you see the way the ticket woman looked at us?"

"No. What about it?"

"We're watching a movie targeted at six-year-old girls. We're eighteen. Oh, well, I am. You two are still seventeen, right?"

Haru nods. "Not for much longer though. My birthday's at the end of the month."

"That's not the point, anyway. We're seventeen-eighteen year old guys. And even though they say this movie is a bit mature for kids, _we're still guys. _We look like we're on some three-way date or something."

They both swallow. Again. And I nearly laugh. Surely, at least once before, they've been mistaken for being on a date.

* * *

Haru's in the middle of us – I'm on his left and Rin his right, the movie's started and it's weird. Weird as. There's only, like, ten characters who have faces, and if I remember right, the yellow's one pet… thing was the witch that killed her in the TV show. This movie's not turning out to be what it was cracked up to be, so far. But I'll admit, this fight scene is pretty cool. There's stuff blowing up left and right, and then un-blowing-up. I don't really get how it worked, but the sequence was cool. It looks like they're fighting a set of disembodied hands – they call it a Nightmare. And they manage to force it into a little jar. And then they start singing some freaky song about a cake. It doesn't sound like it's meant to be creepy, but it is. I shiver a little, and eat a handful of my bite-size chocolate-bomb-things in search of comfort. Instinctively, my arms tense up a little, and I accidentally end up grabbing Haru's hand. I catch sight of myself, and relax, gesturing my apology to Haru. Or trying to. He's grabbed my hand back, and he's not letting it go. Why? No way is he scared. Oh, well. Do I really care? Here's me holding hands with my dream and all I can do is ask why. I smile, turn my eyes back to the screen, and keep watching.

And it strikes me how much the five girls on the screen are like us. _I am the raspberry, the round cake is red. _Sayaka, the blue one. She's like Nagisa, in a lot of ways. She's a ditz on the surface (as in, raspberries are red, so she could still be the cake), but when it comes down to it, she's there for you.

_I'm the apple, Bebe likes the round cake. _Kyouko, the red one. She's a lot like Rin. She cares a lot for the world around her, but doesn't really know how to show it. She's getting better, though, just like he is.

_I'm the cheese. The round cake rolls. _Mami, the yellow one. That's her name. She reminds me of Rei. She uses those ribbons in out-there ways no-one would think of, and she seems really smart. Just like Rei and his theories and his beauty.

_I'm the pumpkin. The round cake is sweet. _Homura Akemi, the time traveller. Her name I didn't forget. Not so much the pumpkin comment, but she reminds me a lot of Haru, sometimes. She can be so emotionless, but she still harbours so many feelings. Maybe she should have been the mackerel.

_I'm the melon. If the melon breaks, there will be a sweet dream. _Madoka, the lead character. Well, not so much anymore. I felt like she and I had a lot in common. She seems to scare easily, but she only wants people to be happy. I like to think I'm like that, anyway. I want my own happiness first, though. Maybe I'm just selfish.

_Tonight's dream is bitter. On top of the plate is the cat's dream. _I wonder, if I broke, would a sweet dream be inside? At least the relay problem would be solved.

_It's fat and round, so let's eat! _Suddenly, a gigantic black demon worm with teeth like knives spurts out of the cute little pink thing they're calling Bebe, and the Nightmare erupts into a cake, covered in raspberries and apples and pumpkins and cheese and melons, and one eats the other. I scream, louder than I realise, and my hand, intertwined with Haru's, squeezes tight shut.

"Makoto… you're hurting my hand." He says it quietly. Quietly enough that I'm not sure if Rin heard or not.

"Sorry, Haru." I release my grip a little. "I need to go to the bathroom. But if I go alone, I feel like one of those worm things is going to jump out of the wall at me. Could you tag along?" I smile, imploringly.

"Sure. There's no water in this movie anyway." He turns to Rin, and whispers that we're off the bathroom quickly.

"Be fast about it. I'll die if someone sees me here watching a mahou shoujou movie by myself."

So we hurriedly pack ourselves up, and Haru takes a piece of pineapple out of the can he's opened and eats it on the way. We go in, and he decides that while he's here he may as well clear out the pipes just so he doesn't have to at a high point in the movie. There might be a puddle in the next scene. I laugh to myself. That weird quirkiness is one my favourite things about him. I finish up first, and stand by the door, waiting for him. He comes out, and washes his hands. I walk over to stand behind him.

"Thanks, Haru. I know it's stupid that it gets to me so much, but I can't help it."

"It doesn't matter. Let's go back. Rin's waiting."

"Right." I close my eyes for the first couple of steps towards the door. Bad move. There's a puddle I didn't notice on the floor, and I slip over in it, taking Haru with me, pinning him to floor. And we wind up folded through each other in the oddest position I could have asked for. The oddest, and the sexiest.

And I wish that I was Homura instead of Madoka. I wish I was Homura so I could stop time and just leave this moment hanging in the air forever. Our faces closer than ever, my arms spread outside his shoulders, our legs locked together, like a mackerel and a melon. And I wonder, if Homura was here, twisted into Madoka like this, what would she do? I think she'd do the same thing I'm about to.

Haru opens his mouth, probably to ask me to get off him, but I have no intention of doing that just yet. I bend my arms, and our faces get even closer, so close that I can smell the pineapple on his breath. And before he can make a sound, I force his mouth closed with mine, and lock it there, freezing this moment in time until we're ready for it to go.


	12. A Shopping Trip

Author's Note: Another marathon for you readers! Also, some shameless product placement. Mizuki Nana's album, _Supernal Liberty, _is 100% real and was released on the 16th of April (2014, for those of you who read this in the future). It is a BRILLIANT album by an extremely talented singer - those of you who have not heard of Mizuki Nana, I recommend her highly. Her album is available on CDJapan for 2800 yen (just google it: supernal liberty cdjapan), as well a large part of her recording history, generally at 2800 yen for an album and 1600 yen (or less) for a single. There are also other sources, but I can't condone them publicly. But, Mizuki Nana, people. Give it up for her!

* * *

"Sorry for making you guys come with me! You probably wanted to go with Onii-chan and the others, didn't you?"

"Not really. I don't need any new swim gear. And I've never gone shopping for girl's outfits before! Somehow, my sisters don't trust my taste." Nagisa-kun and Rei-kun came with me instead of going with the other three. I felt rude busting up the party, but I'm glad I did. This way I feel like I took first step, because I did. And for once, it's not about swimming. It's about being friends, and nothing more. This is the kind of relationship I want with them. Not 'club manager.' That's bullcrap. 'Friend.'

"Why exactly did you invite me, Gou-san?"

"Because, with you and your beauty, you should understand how to make good outfit. Right?"

"I suppose you're right. But…" Rei-kun does one of those hesitate-mid-sentence things. He's about to say something weird, I'm sure. "I haven't memorised the theories for outfit creation! I don't know what the latest fashions are! I don't know what designers are in style right now! I don't…" I clap my hand on his shoulder, and he clams up.

"Rei-kun, I don't care about that. I invited because I wanted _your _opinion, not something I could have read in _Vogue. _Is that all right?" I smile at him. He's a dork, but that's what I like about him.

And he blushes. He blushes, and he kind of contorts like he's trying to get my hand off his shoulder. And it shows off his muscles. And under my hand, I feel them twisting and convulsing and it feels fun. And I then kind of blush, too, and it looks like we just had a romantic moment. Which we totally didn't, but anyone walking past would have thought so. Until Nagisa-kun.

"Ah, Gou-chan! You're not allowed to ignore me!" And he pulls my hand off Rei-kun's shoulder and the atmosphere feels a little more comfortable.

"Well, thanks for coming, you two. It means a lot." And I smile at them, a different kind of smile to my normal one. This is my 'I was on my way to hell and you stopped me' smile. "This is the place."

The store is really pink, but it sells things that are much more mature than it looks. Its name betrays something of its truer nature: _Nadeshiko and Sakura. _A bit weird, but refined. Just the way I like it.

"Ehh, really, Gou-chan? It didn't pick you for being such a lady!"

"What's that supposed to mean!" I dress fashionably, but maturely. I'm not into short shorts and underwear that masquerades as a skirt. "Never mind. Hurry up, or I'll leave you behind." I walk in, feigning irritation, but I can't stop myself from smiling.

The three of us comb the racks looking for anything that I might actually wear. Yellow, red, and black are the colours that look best on me, so I keep my eyes open for those. But Nagisa-kun seems to have his own thoughts. "Gou-chan! Try this on!" He stumbles around a corner, holding a scallop-tiered shirt, alternating between navy and ice blues on each frill, and a pair of jean shorts. Not too short, but short enough to look comfortable.

"Really, Nagisa-kun?" Rei-kun chirps up from behind me before I have a chance to voice my opinion. "Theoretically, blue would clash with Gou-san's figure and colouring. I think this would be much better." He holds up a maxi-dress, in a scarlet red, with a flower pattern made in violet-come-black sequins over the left hip, shoulder straps, no sleeves. Well, it's not really a true maxi. It's about three-quarter length. And I'm torn between the two.

"Ehh, Rei-chan, you think so? I think she'd look really cute and athletic in this!"

"But that doesn't really suit her! This refined, classical-lady image is much more appropriate for a woman on the verge of adulthood!"

"But for a modern-day girl like Gou-chan, sporty is best!"

"Even then, you'll clash with her eyes and hair with an outfit like that. You're not considering this, Nagisa-kun!"

"DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE!" Ahh, I must be the luckiest girl in the world right now. The two hottest guys in the class are fighting about what would look better on me. I have so much power. "I haven't even tried them on yet. The fitting rooms are over here." I make my way over, making sure my hair flicks a little as I turn. "And don't fight over a lady in public. It's poor form." I'm not sure if I'm flirting. And I'm not sure if it's with both of them, or just Nagisa-kun. But either way, Rei-kun gets hit the hardest by it.

I try Nagisa's outfit first. "I like it. It's free to move in, and I kind of like the sharp contrast with my colouring. Good choice, Nagisa-kun!" I smile at him, and he nods proudly.

"You say it like you expected less from me!" He laughs a little, and then turns serious for a moment. "But, really. You two. Hold it with the –kun business. It's weird. Nobody calls me –kun. Or, well, no-one I like. I'm just Nagisa." He smiles again and I think. Does this count as a relationship upgrade when he said to Rei-kun too? But he's got a point. We're closer than we realise. He even picked my size. Not many guys out there can say that.

"Okay, then, just Nagisa. I appreciate your help. This is a strong addition to a maiden's wardrobe. You've done a favour to women this great day." I can't help but tease him. He just makes it so easy.

"Don't poke fun at someone who just invited you to stop using honorifics, Gou-chan!"

"Speak for yourself! Quit it with the –chan! I'm not a kid anymore! Like Rei says, I'm a refined, classical lady." I catch myself, realising I let Rei's name slip without honorifics. "It's alright if I call you Rei, isn't it? This honorific stuff gets to be a pain. Just call me Gou. Well, Kou ideally. But I can tell that's not going to happen, is it?" I smile again and snatch the dress Rei's holding, dashing back into the change room.

And in two minutes flat I'm back out again. "UWAA! GOU-CHAN!" Nagisa's staring at me the same way he did when I came out in my swimsuit on Monday.

"Does it look weird?" I'd taken the ponytail out of my hair. It didn't suit the dress. I think this is the first time I've worn my hair down in front of either of them.

"N-n… Not at all!" He just keeps stammering uselessly, trying to find the right word.

"You look beautiful, Gou." Rei steps up to the plate for him. I turn around, and see my reflection in the mirror, and for the first time in a while, I agree. The dress is semi-fitted, so while it's not so tight to show off every detail on my body, it shows off the ones I want shown. The floral pattern is refreshing to look at, and it draws in the eyes really well. The dress is a darker colour, so it stands out against my pale skin. And it makes my eyes and hair look like they're made out of rubies instead of red dirt, like they normally do. I feel like a proper lady, or a princess or something.

"Well, it's not exactly street clothing, but I've been in need of a good formal dress." I turn back to them. "Great find, Rei. Thanks." Thanks for finding this dress. Thanks for saying I was beautiful. Thanks for being my friend.

"But, Gou-chan. Which are you going to buy? This place is expensive."

Rei gasps a little. Quickly grabbing the other outfit, he checks the prices, and I can practically see the gears turning in his head as he adds up the price. "Gou… buying all three of these will cost 19320 yen!"

I run a set of my own numbers. I haven't bought anything in a while, and after Onii-chan came back home, we're saving money off his school fees, so I got an allowance bump. I check my purse. I have roughly 10000 yen in cash, and I'm not sure how much my account is holding, but I feel like it should be over 12000. "I've got enough. I mightn't be able to get lunch, but that's a small sacrifice to get my hands on these." I'll have to save up again and take these two shoe shopping one day. I pick up all my purchases and walk over to the register. "You do split sales, right?"

* * *

Gou-chan didn't have quite enough money. She fell about 750 yen short. But really, what's that? Less than two of the bread rolls I buy at school pretty much every day, so I pitched it in. My outfit was more expensive, because it was two pieces, so it was only fair I pay it, not Rei-chan. I wouldn't have let him pay, anyway. Not after fighting over which one was better. But even now, I should still have plenty to buy that new album.

"Now, to the music store! Iwatobi Shopping Force, away!" I laugh loudly as I break into a clumsy half-run in the general direction of a map, so I can find out where exactly we're going. It comes into eyeshot. Two floors up, and then back towards the entry. I point emphatically in the direction we need to go, showing Gou-chan and Rei-chan, who've fallen behind, where the store is. And we head off, at a brisk but comfortable pace.

Standing in front of it now, I wonder how we didn't notice it before. It's a fashionable sort of store, with all black walls, and modern-looking, angular pillars framing the entrance, supporting a gigantic fluoro orange sign, _Rhythm. _And it's huge. And with a name and aesthetic like that, it's not selling anything but music.

"So what exactly was it you were looking for, Nagisa-ku… Nagisa?" I laugh a little.

"Thanks, Rei-chan. You remembered. You're bad at adapting to honorific changes, aren't you?" He tenses up, the way he does when he doesn't want to admit something.

"It's just force of habit! But, you're dodging the question. There was a specific album you wanted to buy, didn't you?"

"Yes! Nana-chan just released her tenth album!"

"Nana-chan? Who's that?"

"You don't know her, Gou-chan? Have you been living under a rock or something?"

Gou-chan pouts a little, and turns her head away. "Well, maybe if you actually used her name, I'd know!"

Rei-chan pushes up his glasses, and I can tell straight off the bat he's set to give us a fact file. "Mizuki Nana, born Kondo Nana, is a highly successful pop singer as well as voice actress. She debuted as a voice actress in the 1998 game _No__ël ~La Neige~, _which led to her singing a character album, counting as her official debut as a singer, although she released a song under a pseudonym a year prior. She was signed to King Records in 2000, debuting with a single called _Omoi. _With this last release, she now has 10 studio albums, 29 singles, 2 compilation albums, 22 video albums and over 100 other appearances as a backing singer or singing for anime characters and the like. Since her fifth album, _Hybrid Universe, _in May of 2006, all of her releases have attained a ranking of 5 or higher on the Oricon music charts. Her 2007 single _Phantom Minds _and her 2009 album _Ultimate Diamond _are the first number ones in their respective categories to be recorded by a voice actress."

"Wow. Even I didn't know all of that, and I'm supposed to be the fan. Where do you put all this stuff, Rei-chan?"

"My brain is built for the memorisation of theories. And when you told me that Mizuki Nana was your favourite singer, I decided to look her up. One read of her biography on the internet, and I know that much about her."

"You looked her up just because I said she was my favourite? That's sweet, Rei-chan." I smile at him, and he blushes. God, he's cute.

"I haven't heard any of her songs, though. I only read her biography."

"Well, we can fix that! I like to listen to a couple of the tracks before I buy anyway, so we can share the earphones." I smile mentally at the image.

"And what about me?" Gou-chan puts her hands on her hips and pouts, sort of. Well, she tries, but it doesn't really work. She's smiling too much. "Although, at least I know who you're talking about now. She's not the only Nana in the music business, Nagisa. As if I could guess off just her first name!"

"Well, whatever. Let's go!" I take off into the store, and I spot the new album almost immediately. Partially because I already know what it looks like from seeing it online, and partially because it's on a giant display wall. As expected from a singer of Nana-chan's calibre. I try to read the name. Why are they always in English? "Shu… shupaanal libaate? Is that it?"

"Your pronunciation is awful, Nagisa-ku… Nagisa. It's _Supernal Liberty._"

"Yours isn't exactly perfect, Rei. We'll ask Onii-chan when we see him, how's that?"

Rei-chan blushes, embarrassed. He gets that way so easily, but that's part of his charm.

"Well, let's listen. Which one has the most interesting title?" I scroll the list with my eyes, and settle on the one at the bottom, because it's in Japanese, so I can actually read it. "This one here – _Ai no Hoshi – Tsuu Haatsu." _

"We really need to work on your pronunciation if you plan to pass second year. _Two Hearts._"

"Quit spoiling the fun, Rei-chan!" It's my turn to pout, and Gou-chan laughs. "It's not funny, Gou-chan!" I turn away from them, back towards the screen, and I see that there are three jack ports. So we can all listen at the same time. I plug in three sets of the trial headphones, hand one to each of them, making sure Rei-chan can see I'm a little iffed, and set the song on its merry way. Well, now that I actually hear it, merry might not be the right word.

It's not what I would call a sad song. But it's not happy-happy. It's slow, reflective. And suddenly the vocal line kicks in and I'm miles away, carried away on her voice like a leaf on high tide. And, even though I've heard this song already, because it was on her last single, I hear it new. I hear the words for what they really are, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. This is totally how our friendship works.

_Looking for something truly beautiful on this one and only planet, rather than something these eyes can see, wouldn't it be love? _Rei-chan's always looking for his beauty, and he looks so hard he doesn't even notice I'm standing here throwing it in his face.

_Even if quarrels and sadness cloud up the untainted sky, overlapping warmth becomes a light illuminating the world. _Even we we're all fighting, we still shine, together, and we always will.

_In this repeating time, if there is one thing that'll never change, it wouldn't have form, but it would be the joys of meeting you. _Even though we'd spent so long apart, the joy of meeting Haru-chan and Mako-chan and Rin-chan never changed. It only got better when Gou-chan and Rei-chan came in.

_We don't have even one special thing, only the power to feel things that are precious to us. _The things like Gou-chan, like everybody, like Rei-chan.

_By being together, we weave bonds limited in time, and leave tracks called miracles behind. _We've worked miracles as a team, I realise now. We mightn't have made it nationals, but there are other kinds of miracles.

_Whatever tomorrow might bring, I'm sure I'll be able to walk forward, no matter what tomorrow brings, with you, forever. _That is what I want. I'm not sure why I never noticed it before, but that is what I want. To walk forward, push on and never give up against our future, hand in hand and heart in heart, with everybody. I look across to Rei-chan. Everybody is in my vision, but he's the one standing next to me.

And suddenly the song's over, and the three of us are left standing stunned in the middle of the store like we'd just seen the sky fall down.

"I can see why she's your favourite singer, Nagisa." Rei-chan breaks the silence, and I'm not sure whether I'm sad the magic's gone or whether I'm happy it was replaced by his voice.

"I'm moved. If I wasn't flat broke, I'd be buying the album, too." Gou-chan voices her agreement, and I look at the two of them.

But I can't say anything back. So instead, I just let my feelings take over, and I throw myself around the two of them, hugging them tight, tighter than I ever have before, letting my head fall on Rei-chan's shoulder. I feel like I'm about to cry, but it's a good cry. A happy cry. I look up at them, releasing them from my arms as I do. "Promise me we'll be together forever, okay?"

They just look confused for a moment, but then they smile and I know they feel the same way I do. And there's an unspoken agreement between the three of us. _No matter what tomorrow brings, with you, forever. _That's how it should be. So I pick a copy of _Supernal Liberty _up off the shelf, mentally bookmarking my favourite track before I even reach the counter.

"That's 2800 yen." That's the best purchase of my life. 2800 yen for an album, a friendship-maybe-more and a promise.

* * *

I try my best to stop that song echoing in my head, but no matter what I do it stubbornly refuses to move. And echoing along with it is Nagisa's promise. Together forever. I said I promised, so I suppose now I have to. And I want to. It's just forever's a long time. It's a long time to be with just one group. It's a long time to wait. It's a long time to be torn between two choices. And at this rate, I think I very well might be torn forever.

We go to lunch, because it's around midday, and we're starting to get hungry, unsurprisingly. Se we go to the food court, and we have a lot of options. Well, Gou doesn't because she's now broke after her expenditure at _Nadeshiko and Sakura. _I must admit, though, I agree. Money is a trivial sacrifice for the acquisition of beauty.

"Gou-sa… Gou." One of these days, I'm going to get the hang of changing honorifics. It seems16 years haven't been sufficient, so perhaps it won't just happen tomorrow, but I'll get there. "I'll buy you lunch, so get whatever it is you like."

"Don't be stupid! I can't ask that of you!"

"You're not asking, I'm inviting. I haven't bought anything today, so I still have plenty of money. So please, get what you like, and I'll pay."

She smiles, and I take a somewhat improper pleasure in knowing I caused it. "Thanks, Rei."

Nagisa hums quite loudly. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but he must have his reasons. "Don't get so ahead of yourself, you two. We still need to find a place to eat."

We all start rotating randomly, in some vain hope that we'll twist to face the obvious choice in a sea thereof. And unsurprisingly, it's Nagisa who finds it. "Ah! A new ramen house! Let's go there!" And unsurprisingly, Gou and I both tag along willingly.

Nagisa seems to have all of the power in our relationship. Not as in his and mine, but the three of us, him, Gou and I. I can't quite determine why that is, though. Sociology theory would dictate that both Gou and I want something from him, and hence capitulate in hope of having the wish fulfilled. I don't even know I want something out of Nagisa, so I can't judge whether or not Gou does. But, our relationship dynamic would certainly suggest it.

I shake my head, in an attempt to clear these thoughts until I have private space and time to consider, as is proper. We make our way over to this new ramen house, and wait to be seated. Or, we go to, until a customer already seated flags us down. "Oi! Gou-kun!" There's only one person I can think of who would call her that, and her half-angered, half-defeated sigh implies my guess is right. Former Samezuka Academy Swim Team Captain, Mikoshiba Seijuro, waves obnoxiously from a nearby table. "Come and sit over here!"

And we oblige, although I don't really know why. We've not spoken to him much at all. Except Gou, a little. But I suppose we can get ahead of the nightmare of a line this way. "I thought I told you already not to call me Gou-kun. At least Gou-san! It sounds enough like I'm a boy already!" She goes to sit next to him, and some instinct somewhere in me goes to stop her. My hand reaches out to catch her before I notice it, but thankfully Nagisa has somewhat more presence of mind, and catches me by the shoulder at the last available moment.

"Remember what she said at the store. Poor form." He whispers it straight into my ear, so I know it was a private comment. And he's right. It's only beings of high intelligence that can overcome natural instinct, so in the interest of maintaining my image of a beautiful intellect, I must overcome such stupid urges. I nod in acknowledgement, and let Gou file peacefully in beside Mikoshiba-san, while Nagisa and I take the two opposite them. They start prattling idly, more arguments about honorifics. I allow myself to tune out, taking no interest in the present flow and conversation. And moreover, I think allowing my mind to wander will distract me from this territorial feeling. I hate it. I hate giving in to my instincts that way.

So does that mean that I love Gou? Does the fact that I voluntarily do something I hate for her sake mean that I love her? Does the fact that sitting here, as much as I try to be absent-minded, I find myself being irritated that she's sitting next to Mikoshiba-san and not me mean I love her? Does the fact that my instincts, no matter how much I repress them, choose to protect her mean I love her, somewhere even I can't see? But if I do love her, what about Nagisa? If Gou sets my instincts into action, it seems to be Nagisa who can calm them. All he did was lay a hand on my shoulder, and I was then capable of my normal level of self-restraint.

Does that mean I love him? Does the fact that all it takes is a touch from him mean that my instincts have chosen him as well as Gou? Does that mean I love Nagisa? Or Gou? Or both? Is it alright for me to love both them? If I do, do I have to choose which one I love more? That's impossible. That would be equivalent to choosing between a mother and a father. I realise my brain comes to this conclusion independently, without my input. So I do love them both? But if so, then how do I feel about Rin-senpai? He seems to care for me, if not love me. So does that mean I own him some kind of repayment or respect as recompense for his love? They are so many questions, and all the theories in the entire world couldn't possibly answer even a single one.

And a voice snaps me back to the present. "You're Ryuugazaki, right? The one that gave up his relay position to Matsuoka?" I nod in reply, not trusting myself to reply civilly to Mikoshiba-san, his right arm threatening to embrace Gou at any moment. "Well, thanks on my part. You're crazy, but thanks. I don't know what he would've done if you hadn't given him that chance. And he's the best shot Samezuka has, so I owe you one." If I could claim that 'one' now, I would ask him to swap places.

"But Sei-chan, Rin-chan transferred." Mikoshiba-san tenses involuntarily, but I'm not sure whether it's over Nagisa's improvised nickname or his offhand comment.

"First, _never _call me that again. And second, _what?_" Equal parts of both. "You're saying Matsuoka transferred away from Samezuka, the swimming powerhouse, to a municipal high school? Why? _How_? He's in third year, right?"

"Sei-chan, calm down!"

"I told you not to call me that!"

And suddenly Gou just breaks out in fits of laughter at the sheer bizarreness of the affair, and suddenly we're all joining and everything just relaxes like there was never any tension to begin with. I trust my civility more after humour, so I reply to Mikoshiba-san.

"I'm not really sure how Rin-senpai managed it either. I think someone at Samezuka must have wanted him out. After our little relay performance, I wouldn't be surprised if some higher-up held a grudge, so there's that." I tick off possible explanations on my hand. "He is in third-year, but private high schools just do what they want, really, so I don't think that bothered them much. But the most interesting part is why. I don't know the theories to adequately determine that." It's only half-a-lie. I don't know the theories, but that doesn't mean I don't know why.

"_Ai no Hoshi – Tsuu Haastsu." _Nagisa pitches in from the side of table. We all stare at him, confused. Gou and I both know he's referring to the song we heard, but we're yet to figure out exactly what he means by it. "_In this repeating time, if there is one thing that'll never change, it wouldn't have form, but it would be the joys of meeting you. _Rin-chan wanted to see us again. When you know joy once, you look for it again. And the best joy I've ever known in the relay with Rin-chan and everyone. I'm sure he feels the same way." Wow. I didn't know Nagisa was capable of such reflective thought. And suddenly, a line from the song echoes in my head. _No matter what tomorrow brings, with you, forever. _I know that I feel the same way as Mizuki Nana did when she sang those lines. But I don't know who my 'you' should be. In Japanese, the expression is strictly singular. But a rough conversion to English in my head shows that the translation is ambiguous – it could be plural. So is it okay for me to have multiple 'you's? Can I have Nagisa and Gou and Rin-senpai and everyone else, or do I have to choose just one? Nagisa turns his eyes on me, and somehow I get the feeling he's thinking much the same thing.

"Waiter?" Mikoshiba-san's voice shatters my reverie, leaving shards of indecision scattered in my brain like pieces of a broken mirror. "We're ready to order."


	13. After a Hot Date

Author's Note: Finally, shipping starts to get really out of hand. Also, some informal spoilers for _The Rebellion Story. _I don't actually explicitly state anything that's really plot-related, but anyone with a sufficiently functioning human brain and knowledge of the universe will be able to figure out the two major plot points of the film, as well as other elements that classify as spoilers. Watch the movie first if you plan to watch it all!

* * *

I enjoy it. Makoto presses his lips on mine, and I enjoy it. I enjoy the way his tongue playfully but powerfully pushes my lips apart and runs about in my mouth like an orca swimming free in the ocean. I enjoy the way I can taste every detail on the inside of his mouth if I try – taste the chocolates, and their rainbow-flavoured fillings. It tastes even better than mackerel. I enjoy the way it feels like nothing else exists, like the two of us are the universe and everything thing else rotates about us. I enjoy the way it feels like angels sing in my ear, and the way it feels like water comes up and surrounds me, joining and completing our embrace. But the water's nothing more than an illusion – the embrace completes itself. I enjoy the way I don't want it to end, even though I know it has to, and I enjoy that for now, nothing else matters. I enjoy that for now, Rin could live or die and I'd be none the wiser. I enjoy that just for now, my decision is made. I enjoy that I choose Makoto, and I enjoy that I can say with confidence that he's the right choice, even though I don't know if that's true yet.

But I'm also aware of where we are. I'm aware of the fact that this is a public area, and that anybody could walk in anytime. I'm aware of the fact that we're probably not the first couple to kiss on this floor, and all sorts of things could be crawling about underneath us. And I'm aware that Rin is sitting in the theatre, waiting for us to get back. So I close my mouth firmly and make it very clear that this kiss is over. I don't want to. But I know that it's fairly necessary at the moment.

"Well, I guess you don't really need a formal confession, do you?" Makoto smiles, stands up and brushes himself off like we hadn't just spat heaven into one another. "Sorry to do it like that. I know you don't feel the same way. Don't feel like you owe me anything."

Propping myself up to my feet, I go to talk, but I'm not sure what to say. "Makoto… I should be the one apologising." I try to think about the words before I say them, but I think that'll just make it worse, so I just let them come. "I'm sorry I never noticed. After all this time, I never even guessed. I must have hurt you a lot. So I'm the one who's sorry." I look away from his green eyes. They're so kind, even though I don't deserve it after what I've done to him. Maybe I can make it up with a secret of my own. "And…" This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to say to anybody. "It's not that I don't feel the same way. It's just that… I don't know whether I can yet." I look back at the door. Rin's waiting for us. "Because…"

"Stop right there." He must have read my mind again. "I don't want to hear you say that. It's enough to know that I'm in with a shot." He smiles at me again, and I can't look at it. How can he still smile at me so genuinely? "Let's go back. He's waiting."

We make our way back to the screen, and we file in quite naturally. Except it seems like Makoto made an appoint to split up me and Rin. He slides in and sits where I was, and we both pretend not to notice, and Rin doesn't. "What took you two so long?"

"There was a fair line." It slides so easily out of Makoto's mouth even I believe him for a second.

"Well, whatever. You didn't miss too much. It's about due to get interesting now."

And the promise is fulfilled. The plot starts setting into full swing. Kyouko and Homura start trying to leave, and it doesn't work out for them. Homura starts realising they're trapped in something, and she chases it down to being a witch's labyrinth. So who's the witch? At the moment, I think I am. I've gone and wrapped up Makoto and Rin in some sick game of who-loves-who. And I didn't even notice.

And the movie rolls on. Homura tries to kill Bebe. I don't know why she didn't just tell Mami these things. She could have saved a lot of trouble. And a bullet to the face. That could not have been fun. Well, I'm one to talk. I've scarcely ever been upfront about anything. It's just not my way.

And now she's having a heart to heart, or so to speak, with Sayaka. They're standing on a puddle, and Sayaka flicks little drops everywhere with her sabre. I perk up at the sight of water, Rin pushes back a laugh and Makoto just smiles at me. I stare at screen – half because of the action there, and half because looking anywhere else seems like it would hurt me the way I am now.

And the scene everyone's been waiting for finally comes. Homura confesses to Madoka, in a roundabout way. I don't know if like it. It really flies in the face of both of their characters. Homura wouldn't be so weak-willed as to stop fighting like that. And Madoka wouldn't say such stupid things. Who wants to live in a world that's not real? But I can sympathise. If I could have them both, I'd think twice whether reality was my priority, too.

This scene I do like. She was the witch all along. It was her. And I don't know why I feel sad about that. Maybe it's because she just wanted to be loved, and this is what she got for her trouble. Is that where I'm headed? Or, well, beheaded, if the movie's to be believed. But good wins out. Everyone's free, and mahou shoujou heaven still exists. Until a pair of black wings fly out of her shoulders. She tears Madoka apart, to make a facsimile to keep for herself. And, of all the things, Kyubey asks why. And her answer annoys me. _The pinnacle of human emotion. Love. _

That's not love. Tearing someone apart just to keep them to yourself is not love. It's selfishness, at best. You can't treat people like things. But I feel a hypocrite for saying that. I would do the exact same thing to Makoto and Rin, given the chance. So maybe I'm just selfish. I want to think that I love them, but I can't convince myself. Love is how Makoto feels about me. He doesn't want to own me or keep me or cage me up like a pet, just be with me. Why don't I feel like that?

I don't pay attention to the rest of the movie, because there's not enough space left in my brain for it. But when the credits roll, the song shoots like a bullet through my thoughts. It sounds happy, but it's lying. I hear the words and they tear at me like knives.

_On the other side of the door open ajar, there is a world on the verge of collapse. _We opened a door today, Makoto and I. Or, well, it was opened a long time ago, I just never knew. And somehow, I think the world on the other side is ready to give in at any moment.

_In this room, the dream always sang you a gentle song. _How sad is that? They've never even left that one room, and their dream has always been in there. But I have to wonder. I look across at Makoto and Rin. Could it be my dream is in this room?

_What is truth? I chase the most believable world to your silver garden. _What is truth? What is love? What are all these things I'm feeling? Am I supposed to know? Why can't the world make sense? I want to find a pool and drown myself in its normality and peacefulness, but I can't just leave.

_Have you realised the truth always lies in the past? Hopes and futures are just selfish visions of someone in a distant garden. But nobody knows yet… _Well, the past lied to me. I never so much as thought Makoto felt that way. So the past isn't true. And if all futures are selfish, why do we keep going? Although, I'm put at ease by that line… if all futures are selfish, I'm free to be as selfish as I like and I've not put a foot wrong. But something sounds wrong about that.

_The dream concealed a kind person's lies and grief in its arms. The heart that lacks something is shrouded by light, and takes the shape of a girl. _Well, my heart's lacking something, obviously. But why does it have to take the shape of a girl? Why can't it be shaped like one of the boys next to me, so at least I can have a shadow for myself?

_Stay beside me softly and please don't leave me. Chirp your song by my window and please don't leave me… _Rin's already left me once, and even though I know Makoto never will, something's different now that I know. Why can't they just both stay at my window, and just live happily ever after? Because this isn't a fairy tale, that's why.

And now it's over, and I stand up and head straight out of the theatre, not bothering to check behind me because I don't even think I care if the other two are following me or not. I need to be alone for a little while. But they are, and having a civil conversation to boot.

"Well, that was a good choice, I have to admit. I liked it more than I thought I would. Don't know what I think about that ending, though." Rin walks out with his hands clasped behind his head, the way he does when he's feeling at ease.

"It was weird though. And pretty scary." Makoto seems to shiver a little, at the memory of some of the shots. I'll admit, they were pretty jarring. Definitely not run-of-the-mill mahou shoujou. But nothing particularly frightening.

"Makoto, you'd be scared of a butterfly." Rin says it playfully, but pointedly.

"Hey! You could have at least tried not to sound insulting." They start staring daggers at one another, and I wonder whether they would mind if we were all together. I shake my head. _I _would. I think.

We make our way to the station with those two chatting just fine and me saying nothing. "Well, I can catch a train straight home from here, so I'm going this way. See you Monday." He waves and walks off, and we stand there watching him leave for no good reason.

"Makoto…" I don't really have anything to say, but it's too quiet. Well, there are thousands of people at the station like always, but in this little bubble that's just me and Makoto alone, a pin dropping would sound like a subwoofer.

"It's okay, Haru. I have to go and do a little shopping for Mum, so go on ahead if you like." He smiles at me again, and I can't look. He laughs, comforting. "I told you, it's okay. Don't worry about me so much. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." And with that he waves and walks off and I just stand here like an idiot and watch him leave. And I realise he's not lying. He _is _big. I guess I never noticed how tall he got because he was just sort of always there. And he's broad. And as stupid as it sounds, I only really start noticing now how muscular he is. I studied Rin at the pool throughout the week, and I think I was subtle about it. But even though he's pretty much always been there, I've never really studied Makoto. Even now, trying to picture him with his swimsuit on, the more I think about it the less detail I know. The general picture is there just for the sheer fact of haw many times I've seen it, but it's all the little intimate details I just can't find in my head. Is he unbalanced? I noticed Rin's left side is a little bigger than his right, like he overtrained to compensate for it being his non-dominant side. Maybe Makoto's even. I'm frustrated that I don't know. I sigh, and resign myself to a melancholy Sunday, heading down to the platform and waiting for a train.

* * *

Something went either very, very wrong or very, very right. But, no matter which way, something was off about Haru. He seemed almost excited to get out of the theatre. And he didn't even touch his pineapple. Now that's a _real_ cause for concern. Makoto wasn't so obvious, but he was pretty adamant about getting the seat next to me. I sigh loudly, relaxing my extended arm cleanly in the handle. (I'm standing on the train, by the way.) I'm tempted to clobber them when I see them next. Can't they open their eyes? No-one's ever tried to come between because they're stuck to each other like glue. No-one could fit. I wonder if I'm an issue for them, though. As the childhood friend, I guess I have some influence on both of them, and maybe I'm accidentally using it wrong or something, and making an argument I don't notice. But they should be together. They're really a good match. Just imagine them adopting a kid. I've never seen it for myself, but I have a little suspicion that they're already like parents to Makoto's kid siblings. I wonder who's Mummy and who's Daddy? Pushing back a laugh, I almost don't hear my phone go off. A text from Rei.

_Can you meet me at the school pool tomorrow? I want help improving my stroke. Also, I have something I need to talk to you about._

A Sunday? Well, whatever. Our 'homework' for the weekend should only take about two hours, so I'll do that when I get home. That leaves plenty of time for Rei's sudden burst of enthusiasm.

_Sure. What time?_

I'm glad he wants to improve his stroke. If I'm gonna go giving up my relay position, he'd better be bloody fast. He has the strength for it, and a general grasp on the technique, but his shoulders are a little bit too loose and his kick overexerts his lower back. I'm just nit-picking, though. Considering he only learned how to swim a year ago, and with minimal formal training no less, he's one of the best swimmers I've ever seen.

_Is 9:00 too early?_

Well, I wanted to sleep a little longer than that, but it's all good. I can go to bed earlier. And I sleep solid. I can sleep anywhere, as long as I have my pillow. But, I'm curious. What is this thing he's got to talk about?

_See you then._

I smile to myself. Maybe, for once, _I've_ struck a good match. I think about logically for a second, and decide not to expect anything tomorrow. But I can't help hoping.

* * *

I sigh to myself, watching Haru leave on the train without me. Mum didn't need anything at all. But I think, right now, he and I both need some air. We'll see each other at school in a couple of days anyway, so for today and tomorrow, I think we'll be best figuring out exactly what we are to each other now.

Well, I know where I stand. I'm not sure where I got the courage to pull it off, but after that bathroom stunt, I know friendship isn't enough for me anymore. But now it's all up to Haru. I was happy when he said that. _It's not that I don't feel that same way, but… _That's one sentence I don't need to hear then end to. _It's just I feel the same way about Rin too, and I'm not sure who to choose. _I smile internally. He's never been good at big decisions.

It's enough for me that he knows how I feel (or, well, it is for now). I never expected he'd feel the same about me. I thought I was just a friend, the person that was just there no matter what, and Haru was shooting for Rin. But I'm glad he feels something in return.

That's not to say I'm not still disappointed. I wasn't lying when I said it was enough to be in with a shot, but I'd always imagined that when I told him, he'd say he felt the same and it'd just play out from there like some crappy romcom. This way, I can't feel sure he won't choose Rin, and after finally getting my feelings out there, I don't know how I'd deal with that. It'd hurt, for sure. But will it end up being an I'm-happy-you're-happy sort of thing, or will I just push myself aside to fester in my jealousy? I think I might fall halfway. I think I'd still have to smile for Haru. I couldn't bear not seeing him, so just while he's around, I can pretend it's okay. But behind the curtains, when I'm alone, I'd probably just be rotting away in my hatred for Rin.

That sounds awful, doesn't it? I know it's not right. Rin's an old friend, and it's not his fault Haru fell for him and me for Haru. But I still can't help hating him for it. I think that's just natural, though. Envy's just human nature. I don't hate Rin as a person, I just hate the part of him the Haru loves, because I want that to be part of me instead. But I was proud of how civilly I spoke to him at the theatre. It was all I could do not to throttle him, shake him and scream at him, "Why did you go and get between us like this?" I don't know why I'm blaming him for my problems. I know they're not his fault, but he's the only person I can think of to blame.

Another train arrives, I get on it, and I wonder if Haru's home yet. I wonder if I could just charge in there and demand an answer, the answer I want. I wonder if I was aggressive, more like Rin, could I _make _Haru choose me? Even if I could, that's not how I want it. If I have to play dirty to win, I'd rather lose, even when the stakes are this high. I sigh, and put the future to the future. I'll just do what I can for now.


	14. The Train Trip Home

"Well, I go this way! See you both Monday!" Nagisa and Rei go the other way, towards a train headed for their houses. Seijuro -san (he told me not to call him Mikoshiba anymore, so here we are, I guess) must live in the area, because he's walking home. I wonder if he misses Samezuka at all. What is life like after school, with university and jobs and adulthood and all these things you're suddenly supposed to do? I'll just ask him sometime, I guess. We traded numbers, so I can call him whenever. My train arrives, and by some small miracle, I end up on the same carriage as Onii-chan, coming home from his shop with Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai. Fighting my way through the crowds of people, I make my way over. I stand next to him, but he doesn't seem to notice me.

"Hi, Onii-chan." Nothing. I wave my hands in front of his eyes, "Yoo-hoo? You in there?" The train starts moving while my hands are in mid-air, and the sudden motion throws me off-centre, and I start falling backwards, until Onii-chan's strong arm wraps around me and pulls me back up straight. "Nice catch, moonwalker." I layer sarcasm thick through my voice.

"Moonwalker? What does that even mean?"

"Where were you a second ago? I said hi, and you didn't even hear me. It's like you were on the moon! Thus, moonwalker."

He scoffs, half with contempt, and half with affection. "Don't just go making up words. No-one'll understand what you mean."

"Enough about my linguistic habits, what about you? A tsunami could've rolled in just then and you'd be none the wiser. What gives?"

"I have my reasons, but I don't need to explain myself to you."

"I'm not asking for that. I'm your little sister. I'm concerned about you. It's not healthy to worry alone, you know."

"You're one to talk."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I'm indignant. I don't worry alone. My issues just happen to be private.

"It didn't take a genius to tell you weren't sick on Tuesday."

"That so?" I guess he knows me better than I realise, but I can't let him know he's right. "Then why wasn't I at club again?"

"The fact I don't know proves my point." I get the feeling he really does know, and just doesn't want to say it for whatever reason. "You worry alone all the time. I think it must be in our blood, 'cause Mum's exactly the same."

"Well, maybe we all need to learn to worry alone together."

"You start, I'll follow." Dammit. He's as sharp as ever.

"Not in public."

"Okay then, tonight."

"Deal."

"What did you buy?"

"Just some clothes."

"Can I see?"

"Well, I can't change but you can see them off me."

"What did you think I meant?"

Taking the train's handle tightly I rummage about in the bag briefly and pull out Nagisa's outfit. "Nagisa picked these out."

Onii-chan starts a little. "Nagisa? What happened to Nagisa-kun?"

"We decided honorifics were getting a little stuffy."

"But he still calls you Gou-chan, right?"

"You say it like it's surprising."

"Some things'll never change."

"I didn't think that'd look good on, being blue and whatever, but I actually look all right in it."

"I can imagine. Nagisa has better taste than you'd think, huh?"

"I guess so."

"There's something else in there."

"That one's a secret."

"What? You said I could see."

"Not this one. I want you to see it on first."

"That's not any fun. Show it!"

"Rei picked it out for me. Looks like all that beauty talk isn't for nothing after all. He picked well."

"Just show me the friggin' clothes, Gou." His shift in tone is immediate, and jarring.

"No way. Not until I can show you properly."

"Tonight, then?"

"Tonight."

I'm still concerned about him. He's gone back to the moon. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe it had something to do with that change in tone after I mentioned Rei? It couldn't have anything to do with him, could it?

* * *

"Bye-bye, Gou-chan!" Nagisa pushes forward onto the balls of his feet in an effort to seem taller, waving goodbye to Gou with both hands. I'm just quickly texting her brother, sorting out some business of my own, but I text quickly, so I put my phone away in time to wave goodbye. I adjust my glasses at the end of the motion, because they've been sitting weird for a while now. My phone buzzes. Rin-senpai texts quickly, too. _See you then. _Good. I'm glad he agreed.

"Let's go, Rei-chan. Our train's nearly here." Nagisa grabs me by the wrist aggressively, and starts dragging me down towards the platform. He's not incorrect. The train arrives quite literally the second we set foot on the platform. It seems our line is unpopular today, because we don't have to fight a tsunami of people to try and get on, and there are plenty of free seats just begging to be taken. So we sit down next to each other, and suddenly I wonder if that's weird. Are two guys normally close enough that they voluntary push themselves up against each other when they could just as easily spread out? It doesn't bother me at all. I like being close to Nagisa. With this view, he looks kind of fragile, like you could just flick him and he'd fall over and shatter. But he also has some sort of internal strength, like he'd just put himself back together and carry on like nothing even happened. He's quite the enigma, but I think that's what makes him attractive. The idea that there's what he shows to the world, and then layer after layer after layer sitting underneath that ready for you to peel back and discover, like unwrapping a birthday present.

"Nagisa… I've been thinking about some things, and I have something I need to ask you about."

He turns his face to me expectantly. "What kind of something, Rei-chan?" He narrows his eyes playfully. "A study something? A swimming something? Or could it be… a love something?" He seems excited at the prospect, more than he reasonably should be for my part. I blush and shake my head vehemently, temporarily lost for words. "I should have guessed as much." It sounds bitter, like he didn't want to say but it just came out anyway, and his face falls briefly so I can't read his expression. But it only takes him a fraction of a second to be facing me, smiling again. "So what is it?"

"It's just… now that we're second years and all, and now that more and more people are inviting me to stop using honorifics, I've been thinking maybe I've outgrown the way I speak. Do you think using _boku _is too immature for me?" Silence lays heavy in the air for a moment, and I'm worried I said something wrong. Suddenly, his blonde hair vibrates violently as he collapses into spasms of laughter. "Don't laugh, Nagisa! This is a serious question!"

He continues laughing anyway, and I suppose it is sort of funny. "Sorry, Rei-chan! You just sounded so _serious _I thought you were going to tell me you've secretly been a murderer all along or something stupid like that!" He doubles up over his knees, and wipes at the side of his eyes with his left hand. I wonder why he used his non-dominant arm. It probably has something to do with the fact that his right arm is rather occupied in holding his stomach. It must hurt from laughing so hard. I really have to stop overthinking everything.

"So anyway, now you're finally done laughing, do you have an opinion?"

"Well, you know, I like you the way you are, Rei-chan, so I think _boku'_s fine. I mean, I use _boku. _So, I guess, it's normal for me to say that, isn't it?"

"But… we're really quite different, Nagisa. _Boku _suits you perfectly. But I think I need a more adult image, and if I use _boku _it just makes me sound like a kid. And besides, everyone else uses _ore."_

"Huh? I didn't pick you as easily influenced like that, Rei-chan."

"What?! I'm not easily influenced!" Am I?

"Really? Then what does this mean?" He clears his throat and puts his hand to his face, imitating me and my glasses. "_Everyone else uses_ ore." He even tries imitating my voice, but, it's so much lower than his, he doesn't meet with much success. But he has a point. If I'm not easily influenced, why'd I bring that up?

"Well, whatever, you get the idea! Should I switch to _ore_, or not?"

He hums a little, thankfully giving it some serious thought. "No."

"Why not?" I'm curious to know.

He hums again, like he hadn't really thought about it at all. "Well, first off, if you use _ore, _there are some situations in which you'll have to use _boku _anyway_, _so you'll be changing back and forth all the time. Oh, and since you're bad at changing your honorifics, I bet you'd be even worse at changing your own pronoun, so you should probably just leave it alone." I'm a little offended by his forwardness. "But, mostly, I just don't think _ore _is beautiful enough for you, Rei-chan."

I'm a little taken aback, and I don't really get where he's coming from here. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, maybe it's just me, but _ore _sounds really harsh and blunt. With _boku, _it's easier on the ears, and it's easier to say. It just has a more beautiful sound to it, don't you think?" I do think, playing the two over and over in my head to see if I agree or not. But for some godforsaken reason, my internal recording of _boku _is in Nagisa's voice, and _ore _in Rin-senpai's. Aside from the bias that straight off gave to _boku _(Rin-senpai's voice might be lower and stronger and more masculine or whatever like that, but Nagisa's is more musical, and hence more beautiful, to my ear at least), I do think it has an inherently more beautiful sound.

"You raise a solid point. Maybe I should carry on using _boku_."

"I'm happy you agree, Rei-chan. I don't want to you to change." He's dropped his head again, so I can't read what his face is saying. But even without adequate theoretical analysis of his face, Nagisa's voice was pitched differently to normal, so that indicates something, I think. Some sort of emotion wrapped up behind Nagisa's sing-song voice.

"Nagisa? You sound off-colour. Is there anything you need to ask me about?"

* * *

Wow. Rei-chan's more sensitive than normal today. He picked up I was choked up over him changing. But I don't think he picked up why. He's not that sharp. But I think this is a good time to get all this off my chest. Because even though we're on the train, we're alone. Because if it all goes horribly wrong, I just get off, even if it's not my stop, and wait for another, leaving Rei-chan alone to think. Because if it all goes horribly right, I can stay on for his stop and we can get off together. So I'm just gonna tell him. I'm sick of secrets.

But how to phrase it? I look coyly at my hands, just in case I happen to be holding some brilliant idea. And I am. I see my new CD in its bag, and suddenly the words I need to say just kind of come to me.

"Rei-chan? You said you'd read Nana-chan's biography, right?"

He's taken aback. "Well, yes… Why do you ask?"

"Did you read about her childhood, and her pre-career life?"

"Yeah…"

"Tell me about it, Rei-chan."

He stammers a little as he goes to start the sentence and it reminds me why I love him. "As a child, her father had always planned for her to be famous, as his first child, so he gave her strict training in _enka."_

"What do you mean by strict?"

"If her technique was poor, or if she was generally unsatisfactory, she would be punished. Normally a physical beating, if I remember rightly."

"Doesn't that sound horrible?"

"But that's not the worst of it."

"I know. Keep going."

"When she came to be high school age, she went to study at Hirokoshi High School, because of its industry connections and strong music program. So she left home and lived with her _enka_ teacher from childhood who'd moved there in an attempt to establish a record label."

"It only gets worse, doesn't it?"

He gulps. "Nagisa, if you already know, why do you want me to tell you?"

"Just say it, Rei-chan. I have my reasons."

"Her teacher abused her emotionally and…" he struggles over the next word, "…sexually. She refused to leave his label, both because she felt she owed him for his help both in teaching her, and in supporting her through high school by signing her."

"But eventually, she left because she realised he wasn't seriously promoting her, and she moved onto King where's she had all this success."

"She's earned every drop of it, in my opinion. No-one should have to go through that sort of thing, especially not as a child."

"But that's it, isn't it? That's why she can sing so well. Because she loves it. She loves it so much she willingly put herself through hell and back to be the best she could. Isn't that what love's about?" I notice suddenly that somehow, throughout the conversation, Rei-chan and I have been turning away from one another, and now we're sitting back to back.

"I don't know enough about love to answer that, Nagisa."

"You don't have to know anything, Rei-chan. You just have to feel it."

"I don't know how."

I turn myself back to him, and find myself staring at his back. "Well… I want to go through hell for you, Rei-chan!"

He starts, and I think that means I got through. "Nagisa…"

"That's just the way I feel about you. I want so much for you to be happy, I'd go through hell right now for it." The train pulls up to a stop, and by some ploy of fortune it's mine. "This is my stop. I just had to tell you. I don't need an answer right away. Take your time." I push back his hair and kiss his cheek as I walk past. "See you Monday." I walk off the train, and start heading off towards my house.

I stretch back my shoulders and smile. Secrets really are the worst. I feel so much better now that everything's out, now that my cards are all shown. I really don't need an answer. I don't think Rei-chan had one anyway. So, now, I guess everything's just got to fall how it falls now, doesn't it?


	15. Even Busier Nights

Author's Note: This chapter things get a little *ahem* adult, particularly in the last section (where, you could say, shipping gets back into hand, very, very literally, if you get my drift). Not for children, the easily offended or anyone looking for a sappy love story. (Except the middle section. That's appropriate. Ish.) Also, the translation of _GUILTY _is based off my own (practically non-existent) knowledge of the Japanese language, 's kanji look-up feature and Google Translate, so it's sure to be at least a little bit wrong. I ran it by some friends who study Japanese and they said the general feel was there, and there's nothing much they'd do differently, but that they were probably also partially wrong. So please, don't judge *too* hard.

* * *

_"Nanase Haruka". I have some concept of the fact that I'm dreaming, but it's not like I can control it or anything. Kyubey is standing in front of me, addressing me. I'm not really sure why that is, but I decide to roll with it. "You have potential. Enough to overcome entropy. In exchange for a wish, I can turn you into history's first mahou shounen."_

_I take a moment to consider. Is there anything I want badly enough to lay down my life? There are too many. I want answers. I want freedom. I want Makoto. I want Rin. But which do I want to most? I think for a minute, and I realise I can wish for anything. So why not?_

_"I wish that Makoto and Rin were both mine, body and soul."_

_"Very well, Nanase Haruka. Your wish has overcome entropy. With this soul gem, take up the mantle of a mahou shounen."_

_And suddenly I have no problems anymore. I don't have to choose between them. If I want, I can make my mind up day to day. Today, maybe I want Makoto. Tomorrow, maybe I want Rin. And I can have that one, and the other one can have a day off. Or I can have them both at the same time. That's the most fun. And all I have to do in return is fight a witch or two every so often. Surprise, surprise, I got powers over water, so they're easy prey. Rin told me how to manipulate water in the air and in the witches' bodies to take them out like nothing. Makoto taught me how to defend myself physically in a tight spot. He learnt it in case he ever needed to protect me, he said. I had him for a week after that._

_One day, I'm fighting a witch. I've gotten lazy, and air-headed. Is today a Makoto day, or a Rin day? Is there enough mackerel for dinner? I've got to get back in time to cook. And while I'm thinking these things, her familiars sneak up on me. But this witch was stupid. She designed a pond into her labyrinth, so I just pick the water up and drown them all. Water can't drown me anymore, and my mahou shounen costume is just a swimsuit. Not very good for defence, but easy to move in, especially since I tend to turn everything into a swimming pool. Now her familiars are a touch waterlogged, I turn to take on the witch herself. She's carrying some huge sword, and she swings it down on me. I freeze a patch of the tsunami I just made and turn it into a sword of my own, parrying her strike. It mightn't seem like ice would be strong enough to hold out through an attack like that, but with this much water around, I can keep strengthening it as much as I need. It's fairly solid anyway, I've found. Weapons made out of ice are deadly. They're typically my finishing shot – an ice arrow, or a frozen blade. So I throw off her strike and charge forward, using the water in her pseudo-blood to hold her sword arm still. She hasn't got as much as some of them do – I guess she used it to make that pond. My magic's not strong enough to hold her down, so I take the still water from the ground and freeze handcuffs around her wrists. I use the handcuffs to pull her into the ground. She falls heavily, clumsily. When she lies flat, I melt the handcuffs and instead form a clamp around her centre, holding her down while I take my ice sword and systematically go about cutting off each of her limbs until she bites it good and proper. And when her head comes off, she explodes into a cloud of grief and leaves her egg behind, ripe for me to cleanse my Soul Gem. _

_That night, I return home and cook dinner. Mackerel. We do vary a little, but I'm the only one who can cook, so I get to choose most of the time. Because of my wish, I own them anyway, so if they wanted something I didn't it wouldn't be that way long. It sounds cruel, to own them like that, but I don't regret a thing. But they're getting more and more distant. Throughout the whole meal, no one says a word. "Makoto." It's his night. "Come on." Rin leaves as I turn my attentions to Makoto._

_He sighs heavily. "You're so cruel, Haru." I know that this mightn't be the most morally sound thing I've ever done, but I never thought I was cruel to them. "You knew I loved you anyway. So why did you have to do this? If you wanted me, you could've just asked."_

_"But could I have had Rin, too?"_

_"Don't you see that's what makes it so cruel?" He looks up at me and tries to smile, but he just can't anymore. His eyes fight back tears valiantly, but ultimately lose. "You can't say you really love us when you treat us like playthings."_

_I really do love them. I love them both, more than I can stand. Can't they see that's why I did this? "If that's how you feel, then go and fetch Rin for me."_

_"I can tell you he feels the same way." But Makoto has no choice but to do it, because of the wish. So I watch him leave, in equal parts sadness and anger. _

_And I wait for Rin, but he never comes. Instead, a sheet of paper flies in through the window. _

Haru,

I can't stand being treated like this anymore. I get that you have needs and whatever, and maybe you loved us both, but if you really loved us you would have asked us how we felt before you acted so selfishly. I refuse to submit to you like I'm nothing. I'm a person too, and so is Makoto. We all need our space, and we can't live our lives in your demonic little toybox. So goodbye.

_My knees crumble and I hit the floor. Was I really that cruel to them? I tried to do everything right – I cooked them the best meals I could, I spread my time evenly, if they weren't up for it, I didn't force them into anything. Or, not actively. I suppose that just the nature of my wish was forcing them into it, wasn't it? And now I realise I forgot to cleanse my Soul Gem. It shines black, and I push it out the window. I don't mind becoming a witch now. I've made the two people in the world that I love hate me, so I just watch as it breaks and feel myself drowning in grief. It tastes like water. It feels like water. It has that same welcoming smoothness, and it cuts off everything, like you're the only thing that exists. The same way water does, but grief does it better. It feels good. So I just let myself soak in it for a minute, until I feel myself getting lonely._

_But I don't have to lonely ever again. I'm a witch now. I can do whatever I like, make whatever I like. So I build myself a barrier, and I decorate it, and I make myself little facsimiles of Rin and Makoto for familiars. They're not wearing much, but that's the way I like it. They're not quite the same, but there's millions of them, and each and every one of them exists to serve me and nothing else. _

_But bliss just can't last, can it? Makoto and Rin, the real ones, have gone mahou shounen too. I'm not entirely sure what Makoto's weapon is – it's kind of a spear-come-staff. He plunges he point into the ground and the whole earth starts shaking. My little fake pets can't stand up, and while Makoto keeps them down, Rin charges in. He's carrying a katana. Or rather, a bunch of katana. And he's arranged them cleverly, like something out of a shark's mouth, each blade lapping over the next to make a deadly net. He ploughs through my pets like they weren't even there, and next the two of them turn to face me. _

_"Sorry to do this, Haru." Makoto looks sad that his first kill has to be me._

_"Really? I'm not. Even if it was still Haru in there, I couldn't wait to run him through after the time we've had." _

_So that's how they feel. But that's okay. Because I'm here, drowning in my grief, so I don't need them anymore. I flail my new witch arms, and pillars of black water fly out of the ground and walls, flooding the room and rocketing into the lovers I know but can't help but realise as enemies. I accidentally_ _push them into one another's arms, and they kiss briefly, on purpose. "Well, you don't need to be so hasty, Rin. We've never have gotten here if he hadn't pushed us."_

_So they were together the whole time? My arms fall to my side, and I lose all my will for a moment. But then the grief takes over and I stop seeing. I can't see who's who anymore, and my memory's just a black haze. Who was I thinking about again? Who am I? What am I? My arms raise themselves and I think I'm attacking somebody but there's nothing around to say that that's the case. There's nothing down here. No memory, no sound, no sight, no water, no pain, no loneliness, no love. I don't know what's making me think that, but I am. And suddenly, a white line slashes its way through the darkness and I see two people I don't know cutting me in half. They say goodbye to someone named Haru and start hugging each other in some sort of consolation. And I'm suddenly free, although I don't know why that's so important to me. _

I wake up screaming and sweating, fighting the sheets off like they're trying to strangle me. What on earth was that dream? I turn on my side and see the clock. It's 1 am. Is that too early for a run? I decide yes, throw the covers off my bed and curl into myself, trying both to keep myself together and run away from this horrible thing I've become. I wonder whether I'm really like the me that was in that dream. I want to believe I'm not but I can't convince myself. So I curl tighter into myself, throwing off my shirt because it's too hot in here like this. I see Makoto lying in front of me, and I turn away so I don't have to think about it. But Rin's lying on my other side, so I turn to the roof. But this way I can see them both out the sides of my eyes, so I lay my face flat and resolve to just ignore it until morning.

* * *

Well, I guess I have to keep this deal of mine now. I said to Onii-chan that tonight we'd start exchanging problems, and that I'd show him the dress. Well, the moon is out and we've eaten dinner so I guess tonight is as much here as it's going to get. I walk up to his room, and knock. "Come in." He still sounds distracted.

I push my way in. "Well, time we go on with this deal, isn't it?"

He looks confused. "Deal?"

"From the train, this afternoon. You know, the whole worrying alone thing."

"Oh. That."

"It was literally six hours ago. You could not possibly have forgotten."

"I didn't. I just have a few other things on my mind."

"And that's exactly why we made the deal. We were going to get our minds off onto one other, weren't we?"

"I guess so."

"Do you need to finish that now?"

"Sort of, yeah."

"Well, then. I'll go change, into that dress you wanted to see so badly. You finish up."

"That doesn't give me much time, you know."

"I don't think you'll need much time."

I run back down the stairs playfully, closing the door behind me. Entering my own room, I rummage about a little in the bag, pulling Rei's outfit out from Nagisa's and laying it out neatly. I smooth the creases it contracted from being folded in the bag for so long with my hand, somewhat unsuccessfully. They're not so obvious, but it'd need an iron before a proper public showing. I pull on the ribbon holding up my ponytail and my hair falls loose effortlessly. The dress is quite a process – there's only the one zipper to hold it up, but it's positioned exactly in the middle of my shoulder blades, like most dresses, so it's really hard to grab hold of it. I slip out of my lounge gear, and step into the dress, pulling it up carefully. Examining it as I go, I see the little details in the stitching that make it fit so well. It fits loosely, until the bust, where it tightens up and just generally draws attention to the area, which I'm happy for because it's one area I do have assets. But then it tapers elegantly outward until about three-quarters of the way down my leg, where it splits, revealing my calves and feet, and runs to the back in two thin trails. And, the rarest trait of all, I can actually breathe in it. It fits me well around the lungs and stomach, so it's not uncomfortable to wear. I didn't know that you could look good in comfortable clothes. But, it's been about ten minutes by now, in between getting the dress ready, getting myself ready, admiring it and then finally actually putting on (admiring it a little more as I did). So I run back up the stairs barefoot under this beautiful dress, and knock on Onii-chan's door one more time. "You ready yet?"

I hear him slam his book violently and victoriously shut. "Perfect timing. Just finished."

I open the door, more slowly than I did last time, wanting the suspense to hold out a little a longer. "Don't judge too harsh, okay?" And then I step in, showing him the whole picture at the one time.

And he takes a minute to pick his jaw up off the floor before he comments. "Gou, when did you get so grown-up?"

"I _am _seventeen, you know."

He just kind of breathes out heavily, like he tried to sigh but it didn't really work. "I guess I can't call you my little sister, anymore, can I?"

"Well, you can. I'm still littler than you are. But that doesn't mean I'm little."

"I guess I never really noticed you'd grown up. You were always just kind of my kid sister. But you're not a kid anymore, are you?"

"Glad you picked that one up."

"Where do you get that wit of yours?"

"You."

"I don't sound like that, do I?"

"Well, a little bit. My wit's kind of the woman's answer to your aggressiveness."

"I'm aggressive?"

"Well, not so much anymore, but you were for a long time."

"Things sure have changed a lot, haven't they?"

"I guess so. You don't really notice when things change right in front of you, do you?"

"Not really, no."

I take a seat on his bed, because with him on the chair that goes with his desk, there's really nowhere else to sit. "Well, enough putting it off. We said we were going to exchange problems, right? So, who goes first?"

"I thought we established on the train you'd go first."

"I thought you'd forgotten the train."

"Obviously not. First shot's yours, Gou."

I sigh and fall backwards, lying out flat on Onii-chan's bed, bent at the knees so that my calves point to the floor. "Where to start? I guess, my biggest problem is I just sometimes feel really alone."

"Everyone does from time to time. What's such a problem about that?"

"Well, the problem is I'll feel alone when they are other people around. Even if you and Nagisa and Rei and everyone else are around, I'll feel like I'm the only one there. Because, the five of you are just so close, you're like a unit on your own. And since I'm in the swimming club, a good part of my time goes into backing you five up, and it's not like I'm off in the sewing club with some of my own good friends from time to time or anything. As far as regular social-ness goes, you lot are pretty much all I've got. But, because I'm not competing or even swimming in general, I'm on the outside."

"I know how that feels." I perk up my head.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've always been a little bit like that myself. Back when we were kids, I was the newcomer to the team, so Haru, Makoto and Nagisa were kind of already friends and whatever, and I basically spent a year trying to break into their friendship by making us a relay team." I'd never really thought of it that way. But when it comes out of his mouth, it makes a lot of sense. "Then Australia was crap, to start with. I didn't speak good English and no-one there spoke any Japanese outside of ninjas and sushi. So I was just pushed out. No-one even tried to make friends with me, and if_ I_ tried to make friends with _them_, I might have been able to manage a sentence before I ran out of words."

"I guess moving away from home young is hard, huh?"

"Well, it wouldn't have been so bad. But it was just the language. By the time I got the hang of it all, everyone was already in groups, and I was all depressive over my time not improving and whatever like that. So, I didn't really make any friends there."

"But, at Samezuka, it must have been better, right?"

"Well, it could have been. In retrospect, it's as much my fault as anyone else's that I was on the outside there. I didn't really open up to anybody and acted all aloof and holier-than-thou like I didn't want to be spoken to. But still, I felt alone in the crowd."

"What about your roommate, though?"

"Ai? He's quite the character, isn't he?"

"Quite the character? He worshipped you!"

"Search me if I know why."

"As if you don't!"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, there are thousands of reasons he'd hook onto you. For one, you're a talented swimmer, and he's… well, aspiring." Onii-chan pushes back a laugh.

"You really know how to put things, don't you?"

"I guess. But anyway, you're a goal for him. And secondly, you're talented in lots of other ways. You're smart, and you're fluent in English, so you're basically this tower of multitalented-ness and whatever. And I think he might have had a bit of a crush on you, as well."

"You think?"

"Well, yeah. What's not to like? I mean, we just discussed your hero-worship-worthy qualities, and you're certainly not shy on muscles."

"You would know, wouldn't you?"

"As it happens, yes. But really, why wouldn't he have crushed on you?"

"Because I was a terrible person! I was self-destructive, and aimed to take as many people down with me as I could. I was cruel, cold and vindictive and I pushed everyone away. What the hell is there to love about that?"

"You know, troubled boys can be incredibly attractive."

"I will never understand that."

"There's some appeal in the idea that you can fix them, or help them or whatever. It doesn't work very often, but it's the concept that's attractive."

"So do you think Ai wouldn't have a crush on me now that I'm stable?"

"No. I think he was attracted to you anyway, and from there you being troubled just made him want to help you, because he loved you to start with. Or something like that. So now he'd be happy you're back to your stable, happy self."

"You seem to have put a lot of thought into this."

"Call it woman's intuition."

"Well, whatever you call it, neither of us are really alone in the crowd anymore, are we?"

"You sure about that? Feels like it to me."

"You can be thick, for all your woman's intuition. You do realise you're literally talking to me about how much you feel like we're not getting along?"

I just kind of smile. "I guess. I suppose we can be alone together if it comes to that, can't we?"

"I guess we can."

"So anyway, you said you'd go after I did. So shoot! You must have something you need to get off your chest."

"I did, didn't I? The whole 'lonely' thing?"

"That was my problem, and you were kind of just like 'I get like that too!' That's not fair! You've got to go off the cuff, like I had to!"

"Well, then… do I have any problems?"

"Come on, don't be coy! What was on your mind today on the train?" He tenses up, and my infamous woman's intuition goes off. "Come on. I can talk, so you can talk."

"This is private!"

"I thought the same about my problems! Come off it. You're the one who suggested this, anyway."

"Was I?"

"Were you even _conscious _at the time?"

"Barely."

"You see, now I'm worried. You know I'm not letting this go until I get an answer."

"Well, you're not getting one, so let it go."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"No." Hah! Learnt that one from Nagisa. "Goddamn it! Since when does that actually work?"

"Well, if that's how you feel about it, I guess I'll just have to force it out of you, won't I?"

I'm half afraid he's not going to relent, but he breathes out heavily and shrugs with a sort-of can't-help-it vibe. "Okay. But remember, you very literally asked for it."

"It can't be that bad."

"I'm gay."

"So? Is that all?" If he'd intended to drop a bombshell on the conversation, he failed. Hugely.

"Dear God, no. That's not the problem, that's just a setup point. I mean, Jesus, I've been to all-male boarding schools for five years. If I was uncomfortable about that, I would have sorted it out by now, make no mistake."

"You've got a point. But if your problem isn't the whole gay-and-shy-about-it thing, then why exactly did you tell me that?"

"You could react a little more violently. I _did _just tell you a pretty significant thing."

"What's significant about it? You're still Onii-chan. Except, now, you just happen to be attracted to guys. I can empathise with that. Guys are hot. Like, objectively. I guess now I know where my muscle thing comes from, don't I?"

He laughs and smiles at me. "Well, I'm not quite as bad as you, but I can appreciate well-muscled guys."

"As in, you like muscles. You find them attractive."

"Well, I don't know if I'd put it quite like that…" His face turns the same colour as his hair.

"If there is one thing you don't have to be shy about with me, it's muscles."

"This is true. But anyway…"

"Hold it, let me guess. You've got it bad for one of the guys and you don't think they sway that way."

"In a nutshell, yes."

"Which one? Ooh, I can't guess!"

"I would appreciate it if you didn't turn my problem into an episode of _Jeopardy."_

"_Jeopardy _doesn't work like this at all."

"That's not the point here."

"You don't get it, Onii-chan. This is just a girl thing. If you tell us you love someone, we want to guess who. That's just kind of the way we think."

"Okay, but I'm a guy, so I'd rather do it my way."

"Humour me."

He sighs. "Okay then. Fire away. You've only got four choices anyway."

"Well… the most natural match would be with Haruka-senpai?"

"Excuse me? So does that make you the third person in human history not to realise the he's practically married to Makoto?"

"Well, it's not that I haven't noticed. But I'm sure that hasn't stopped other people from crushing on them from time to time."

"Okay, whatever. But no, not Haru. Go again."

"It's obviously not Makoto-senpai either, since you seem to ship them as much as I do…"

"Excuse me?" He seems disturbed by the assertion.

"Come off it, we all do. Everyone does."

He just laughs. "They make it easy, don't they?"

"Do they ever. But anyway, Nagisa's just not your type. I just really can't see you with him." I keep it to myself that Nagisa's my type. I don't know how he'll respond to that. I think he's still protective of me. "So that leaves… Wait, no way."

"Yes way."

I think being candid is the best thing here. "Just so you know, I think Rei's going for Nagisa. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything, but, hey, the more you know, right?"

"I'd considered the possibility."

"I don't have any proof, or anything. But I just think so."

"Well, thanks for the heads-up."

"Not a worry. But even if it turns out to be that way, don't go beating yourself up. For one thing, you can talk to me about it. And for another, you have no shortage of options. I think we can objectively agree you're a fairly attractive guy. You could pull plenty of people."

"I think that's a compliment?"

"It is." I get up to leave. "It's gotten late. Goodnight!"

"Night. Oh, Gou. Wait."

I grab the doorframe and lean backwards as I turn myself around to face him. "What?"

He seems to grapple with the words for a moment. "Thanks… for being so supportive. When you said _you're still Onii-chan… _it means a lot to me. I'm glad to know nothing's changed."

I take a few gentle steps forward. "Of course nothing's changed. Why would it?" I bend at the waist and wrap my arms around him tight. "You're still the same person, and really, what does it matter to me who you sleep with?"

"I love it when our conversations suddenly turn awkward. Did you think I wanted to hear that from my kid sister?"

"I thought we said I wasn't a kid anymore." I push my arms a little bit tighter, just before I let go, and kiss him on the cheek. Not as in romantic, sisterly. "Goodnight, Onii-chan."

"Sweet dreams, Gou."

* * *

I look out my window and smile at the moon. I think today was worthwhile. I mean, maybe Rei-chan will say no, maybe he'll pick Gou-chan, maybe he's just not interested in romance right now. But at least it's not a secret anymore. I don't think I could have carried it much longer.

But I'm not really that mature. If he says no, I probably won't talk to him for a month. I didn't just confess for the formality of it, I confessed because I want a relationship. I don't need the answer right now, but I really want that answer to be yes. I don't know how I'd approach a no, really. I don't think I'd take it well.

I take a moment to consider all the little aspects there'd be to being together with Rei-chan. What would dates be like? Well, he'd never be late, that's my job. I feel like he'd be the head of the relationship. He'd be deciding what to do, where to go, and I'd be the one complaining that he doesn't understand what I want to do at all, even though I never really told him. And then, he'd probably challenge me to organise a date and I'd be all proud and 'I can totally do that' and then proceed to fail epically at actually doing it. But who pays? That's the problem with a relationship between two guys. There's kind of no precedent or set of social rules. It'd take a while to sort out the logistics, but we'd only have to do it once, I think.

There's a few other logistics we'd have to run, too. I'm not going to deny I'm imagined the two of us in a bedroom more than once getting up to fairly illicit activity. Well, illicit isn't quite right. But, shall we say, experimental? But, there are so many little details. Who goes in who? Where? With a guy and a girl, there's kind of an obvious choice to start with and you just get kinkier from there, but with two guys, there's no clear start point. I like the idea of being a bit more submissive than Rei-chan, but perhaps he's less assertive than I thought. Is it weird for the assertive one to end up on the bottom? It doesn't quite add up to me.

But that's not a thought I can let myself have right now. I can't think about that until Rei-chan and I are together to start with. So I do a little magic with my new CD and drown myself in Nana-chan. I decide to just listen to the songs in the boring, normal order until I get the names hooked up to the songs. The first song, _VIRGIN CODE. _Well, it's catchy, I'll say that for it. A good song to open with, but nothing stunning or out of this world.

But the second song, _GUILTY. _Well, put it this way – it's just the kind of song that suits those thoughts from earlier. I let it play through once just appreciating it, and I plan to let the tracks carry on, but it just takes up all my head space so I put on repeat for a little while. And I start hearing the lyrics in detail. Intimate, glorious detail.

And I wonder what it would be like if my relationship with Rei-chan was like this song. I would like it. I would like it a lot. I don't think it will be long after (and if) we officially hook up when we start getting physical with one another. I mean, we already have an emotional relationship, so it won't take us long to need something… earthier. But for now, I just let _GUILTY _take up my head space and watch on as my fantasies run away with me.

_The fake bewitchment of the sweet trap: everything ends after the bar. I'm lured in by this smell like déjà vu and the ROCK YOU I get when you touch me._ Will I get a ROCK YOU when Rei-chan touches me? I think so, and I can't wait to find out.

_This breakout sets my head spinning and I'm held captive by this instinct. They taste more GUILTY together… _I'm not entirely sure it's instinct that's driving me to Rei-chan, but at the minute, I just kind of want of him.

_So, right now, TOUCH ME! If you can, CATCH ME! With force, KEEP ME! (Don't lose your mind)…_

_If you'd rather sin, YOU MANY, so do you want to, HOW MANY? The fascinating way you say NO, NO NO… _Well, I hope he doesn't say no, but if he says yes first and then taunts me, I think that'd be hot. Sinning together sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

_A sweet voice whispers in secret – "Pretend you don't know you're blindfolded". This thrilling game tastes like honey. I'm drunk on you tonight… _I don't know how I feel about blindfolds, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I've never been drunk before, but I think honey and Rei-chan make a good place to start.

_YOU & ME aren't a dream anymore, and I KNOW it's a secret, but I've had enough of being tied down by law now… _Nana-chan's pretty naughty when you give her the chance. I've always thought I was the same way. Now I'll just wait for the chance.

_Yeah, whenever, FEEL ME! Get ready and FOLLOW ME! Boldly, SHOW ME! (So you can't stop?) _

_Behind your heart, an unexpectedly ambiguous attitude. That calculated 'NO, NO, NO'… _Calculation is just Rei-chan's thing. I wonder if his unexpectedly ambiguous heart has a formula for being sexy? I think it'll just come naturally.

_Even though it hurts, I'm addicted. Even deception is fine. My IMAGE+DAMAGE cross over. "We can't go back…" _I don't want to go back. I want to be addicted, deceived, whatever. Images, damages, whatever. I'll take them all if I can have Rei-chan.

And I realise I have a bit of a problem. That pants I'm wearing were a bit too small anyway, and they really weren't equipped to deal with my present state of mind. So without thinking, they just kind of work their way off, and my shirt comes next because wearing a shirt and no pants is just weird. And then the choruses come back to end the song and I just kind of move with the rhythm.

_So, right now, TOUCH ME! If you can, CATCH ME! With force, KEEP ME! (Don't lose your mind)…_

_If you'd rather sin, YOU MANY, so do you want to, HOW MANY? The fascinating way you say NO, NO NO… _

_Whenever, FEEL ME! Get ready and FOLLOW ME! Boldly, SHOW ME! (So you can't stop?) _

_Behind your heart, an unexpectedly ambiguous attitude. That calculated 'NO, NO, NO'…_

_Do it, do it, do it now! Do it now! Do it, do it, do it now! Let's move on…_

_Do it, do it, do it now! Do it now! Do it, do it, do it! You drive me crazy now!_

A sharp breath and a crescendo and I've fixed my problem. I'm not entirely sure that was all the rhythm – I wanted to do that too. It makes me feel a little gross, sure. I mean, I just made a little movie in my head starring Rei-chan and I for my own pleasure (if that's the right way to put it), and it feels wrong that I use him like that, even if it's only in my head. But it doesn't mean I don't want him. I'm not that mature. I want him, and if I don't get him I'll have a tantrum first and sort out the consequences later. But at the minute, I'm all bar naked, so I go about collecting my pyjamas and reassembling them on my body. I nick out and go the toilet, partially because of a call of nature and partially to clean up after my little adventure, and then climb into my bed, leaving all these things for the future me to take care of and continue drowning myself in the rest of Nana-chan's album, careful not to let that song start playing again.


End file.
